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Best Jokes

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A tough looking gang of bikers were riding when they spotted a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.

While the biker didn't want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity. "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. Their hips were grinding together, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, his dirty fingers enmeshed in her hair. Incredibly slow soft tongue action.

When she has finished kissing and disentangled from one another, the biker says, "Wow! That was the bet kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
 
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MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes, 'said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



 
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[FONT=&quot]A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley [FONT=&quot]when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come [/FONT][FONT=&quot] and take a look at [/FONT][FONT=&quot]his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was [/FONT][FONT=&quot]working on the motorcycle. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look [/FONT][FONT=&quot]at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]make $39K a year and you get the really BIG bucks when you and I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]are doing basically the same work?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]mechanic.......... [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Try doing it with the engine running." [/FONT][/FONT]
 
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A teacher is explaining to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she tells the class.

At that, a little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start. And before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Fffff!, Fiffff!, FiffffF!', but before she could say 'Fuck-off!', the Rottweiler ate her!"







...The teacher had to leave the room.
 
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Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand? kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God?




An Educated Farmer








​











​
 
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The Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie returned home and soon realized Lucy's predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The Emergency Room doctor got her into a position where he could study how best to free her (try to get a mental picture of this).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed before."
 
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Frozen Crabs

A lawyer boarded an Air Canada aircraft in Los Angeles with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Montreal , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Los Angeles , please raise his hand".

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
 
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Cuss Words

Two brothers, 6 & 8 years old were discussing whether the words 'hell' & 'ass' were cuss words.

They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn't believe they were bad words.

One older boy said, Let's try it out on mom.

He went in the kitchen, his mom asked: "what would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon & eggs?"

He said: "What the hell, give me some cheerios", and she smacked him across the face.

The 6yr old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen.

His mom in a stern angry voice said: "And what do you want?"

He said: "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for cheerios".
 
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Ten Inch Lighter

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Newfoundland shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches,he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with a Newfoundland accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Holy sheet, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?' Bob says.

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie,Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly,the Newfoundland sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks.... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
 
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Scottish Golf Memberships

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, and I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.

And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.

But this is the first time I ever heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

:biggrin:
 
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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho-maniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded." I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
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A man took his wife to the doctor's office because she had been acting strange lately. After conducting an examination, the doctor pulled the man aside to tell him what he'd found. The doctor said, "Well, after examining your wife, I think that she has either Alzheimer's or she's HIV positive. But I can't be sure which it is." The man was shocked, and asked the doctor, "But, what am I supposed to do? How could we figure out which one she has?" After thinking for a minute, the doctor said, "I'll tell you what to do- drive your wife way out into the woods, far away from your house and drop her off all alone. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
 
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