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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
FORGOT MY GLASSES
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
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Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
[FONT="]
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
[/FONT]
[FONT="]
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
[/FONT]
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Sign at golf club:
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE?.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE?.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
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The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[ both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters'
[ Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]
6. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[ Arabic version]
7. 'Infidel'
[ English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[ both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters'
[ Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]
6. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[ Arabic version]
7. 'Infidel'
[ English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is 40 miles per hour, and increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
When Jenna awoke from her afternoon nap on New Year's Eve, she confided to her husband, "John, I dreamt you gave me a ring with a huge diamond inset. What do you think that means?"
John answered with a smile, "Tonight you'll know."
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, John handed her a small package.
A delighted Jenna quickly ripped it open ... and found a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams".
John answered with a smile, "Tonight you'll know."
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, John handed her a small package.
A delighted Jenna quickly ripped it open ... and found a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams".
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Eliminating the rum question makes NJ-Buckeye's version much more funny!ScriptOhio;970683; said:
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A retired man went into the JobCenter in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."
"Good grief . . . is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."
"Good grief . . . is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Mathematical Facts of Life
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway one night when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 10 Miles". He thinks it is a figment of his imagination and continues driving.
Soon, he sees another sign, which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 5 Miles". He begins to think that the signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign, reading: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, Next Right". His curiosity gets the best of him so he takes the next right and ends up in the parking lot of a stone building. A sign next to the door reads: "Sisters of St. Francis."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business," he says.
"Very well, my son," the nun replies. "Please follow me." She leads him through many winding passages and he is soon a bit disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." She then goes back the way she came.
He knocks on the door and another nun, identically dressed, holding a tin cup answers. This nun quietly instructs him: "Please place $100 in the cup, then quickly go through the large wood door at the end of this hallway," she gestures to her left, and closed her door.
He puts $100 in the cup then, beginning to get excited with anticipation, trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As he hears the door lock, he looks around and finds he is back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, that reads: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right, you sinner!"
Soon, he sees another sign, which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, 5 Miles". He begins to think that the signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign, reading: "Sisters of St. Francis, House of Prostitution, Next Right". His curiosity gets the best of him so he takes the next right and ends up in the parking lot of a stone building. A sign next to the door reads: "Sisters of St. Francis."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business," he says.
"Very well, my son," the nun replies. "Please follow me." She leads him through many winding passages and he is soon a bit disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." She then goes back the way she came.
He knocks on the door and another nun, identically dressed, holding a tin cup answers. This nun quietly instructs him: "Please place $100 in the cup, then quickly go through the large wood door at the end of this hallway," she gestures to her left, and closed her door.
He puts $100 in the cup then, beginning to get excited with anticipation, trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As he hears the door lock, he looks around and finds he is back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, that reads: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis. Serves you right, you sinner!"
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HELL EXPLAINED
By A University of Arizona Chemistry Student
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
By A University of Arizona Chemistry Student
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
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