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Best Jokes

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 
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Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an ?asshole? . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a ?shit head?. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.
 
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Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the [censored] up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
 
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This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and Australian General Cosgrove​

who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over​
 
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Best Buckeye;1826291; said:
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and Australian General Cosgrove

who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over​
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
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WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*



A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and

never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and

comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live

without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his

deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man

in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,

seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.
 
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University, has invented a light, comfortable bra that eliminates cleavage, and keeps women's breasts from jiggling, wobbling, or bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and just kicked the living shit out of him.
 
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About Last Night ... Two Perspectives

A woman told a friend, "I had sex last night. Did you?"

"Yes," replied her friend.

"Was it good?"

"No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, wolfed down his dinner, jumped on top of me, finished in four minutes, rolled over and fell asleep. How about yours?"

"Oh, my night was amazing! When I got home, my husband took me out for a romantic dinner. Afterwards, we took an hour-long walk. When we got home, he lit candles all around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. Then we had an hour of fantastic sex, after which we talked for hours. It was like a fairytale!"

Meanwhile, in another room, their husbands were also talking.
"Did ya get any last night?"

"Yep. When I got home, dinner was on the table. We ate, screwed, and fell asleep. It was perfect! How about you?"

"Yeah, we did it, but it was horrible. The electric company shut off our power 'cause I didn't paid the bill so we had to go out to eat. She ordered a meal so expensive that I didn't have enough money left for cab fare home, so we had to walk for like an hour! And since the power was off, I had to light candles just to see. I was so pissed that I couldn't get it up and then I couldn't get off for another hour. When I finally did, I was so bummed that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife just wouldn't stop jabbering!"
 
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4 Worms Church Sermon!
 ​
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

​

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.​

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.​
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.​
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.​
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.​
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.​
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:​

The first worm in alcohol- Dead​
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead​
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'​
 
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No Christmas in DC This Year

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


...and that's the way it is....
 
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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he porked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the porking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you..."
 
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