Best Jokes

[LitlBuck]

Stranded Irishman

The stranded Irishman ​

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded
on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a
figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping
down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped
a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package
of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took
a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've
had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten
years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started
to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too

 

[MightbeaBuck]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or non-commissioned officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body...The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," calmly replied the old Chief.

 

[ScriptOhio]

THE GIRAFFE TEST

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.























































The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


















































Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?























































Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.




4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat, the river has no bridge. How do you manage it?























































Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old..

 

[MightbeaBuck]

A teacher goes around the class asking each of her pupils what they need at home. When called on, Tommy replied, "A computer."

"That would be very useful," said the teacher.

Molly says, "A car"; and got a similar response.

Finally she asks Billy, who answers: "At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think carefully because everyone needs something.

"No," says Billy after much consideration, "I'm sure. When my sister started going out with a French exchange student I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's all we fucking need!'"

 

[MightbeaBuck]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will have the fish for lunch."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, and I will have some food."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and when that mouse goes for the cheese sandwich, then I will grab that mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water, the fish swallows the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps for the mouse, the mouse ducks, and the cat falls into the water and drowns.





And the moral of the story is: Gosh, whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger!

 

[ScriptOhio]

READ UNTIL THE END, VERY TOUCHING

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in
West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle
prize and was writing to say thank you.








This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you
know who might need a lift today:





Dear Lions Bay School ,





God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver
Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old
lady.





My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would
never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead
husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.





The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.





She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I
could now tell her to f**k off.





Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

 

[Best Buckeye]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..."

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Hey Best Buckeye, you know the Israelis invented that a while back:

FINALLY .. A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . .

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers .. we now have a seat available on flight number 1234. Shalom !"

Hats off to the Israelis!

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

[ScriptOhio]

Politically Incorrect Jokes‏

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Nottingham but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.?

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our hose pipe only reaches the bottom of the garden

 

[ScriptOhio]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

He is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man relies, ?I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body?.

The officer then asks,

?Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night??

The man replies,

?My wife.?

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station closed for the evening. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"

"If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy," the other alien answered, "it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't fuck with him!"

 

[MightbeaBuck]

The Pope and United States Secretary of State Hilary Clinton are on the same stage in Washington's FedEx Field in front of a huge crowd of 90,000 plus.

The Pope leans toward Ms. Clinton, saying, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

"I seriously doubt that," replied Clinton. "With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her.

 

[ScriptOhio]

UN World Survey By Phone

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent....
.
( in the UK most of our call centres are in India )
.
.

 

[ScriptOhio]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Se?ora... the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'