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Best Jokes

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Friendly Holiday Advice:




Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.



This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and stuff like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!



This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.
 
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A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!




It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

:biggrin:
 
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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
? If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
? If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, meat head and butthead.

EATING OUT
? When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
? When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
? A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
? A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
? A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
? The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
? A woman has the last word in any argument.
? Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
? A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
? A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
? A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
? A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
? A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
? A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
? A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
? A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
? Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
? Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
? Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
? A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
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Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
.
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
.
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
.
.
.
 
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A couple walked into a dentist's office.

The man asks, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect," he told the dentist.

The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic."
The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!"
 
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.
 
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I remember watching the Chinese Olympic Games on television, the commentator spoke on how the games were affecting the local economy. They showed a cab with a sign that said: "English-speaking taxi driver."

I thought, what a terrific idea! Why don't we have them in our country?
 
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I swear, I haven't used any of these!

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.


ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WPMUOB: Who Put My Underwear On Backwards?​
 
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The Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.



It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot."


The parrot says, "I was born this way." "I'm a defective parrot."


"Holy crap,' the guy replies."



'You actually understood and answered me. !'



'I got every word,' says the parrot.



'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'



'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.



'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'



'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.



You can't see it, because of my feathers.'



'Wow,' says the guy.



'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'



'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.



I'm especially good at ornithology.



You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'



The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.



'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'



'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.



You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'



The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.



Weeks go by.



The parrot is sensational.



He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.



The guy is delighted.



One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.



'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man. '



'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.



'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'



'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.




'THEN what happened?'



'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.



'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'



'Yes.




Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'



Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'



I .... DUNNO!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
:biggrin:
 
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I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
 
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The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular

reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,

they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see

them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty

the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and

you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,







A Royal Flush Beats a Pair -


No Matter How Big They Are
 
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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
 
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