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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Engineering Test
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Upvote
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.
"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"
"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Someone's always trying to rain on your parade
This is something to think about when negative people are doing
their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and
cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but
it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are
small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words
to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"
This is something to think about when negative people are doing
their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and
cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but
it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are
small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words
to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Black Bra
The Black Bra (note for JCOSU86
: as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What's for dinner, Zorro?"
The Black Bra (note for JCOSU86
: as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Exactly how much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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[FONT="]THREE DOGS AT THE VET...[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a [censored]er. I [censored] on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I [censored]ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do ? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab."They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT="]"So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, "No...apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ![/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="]
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a [censored]er. I [censored] on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I [censored]ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do ? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab."They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT="]"So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, "No...apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ![/FONT]
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that, after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his young bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other but, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimer - it has its advantages!!
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his young bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other but, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimer - it has its advantages!!
Upvote
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, the sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," said the Doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now first, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
"Relax," said the Doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now first, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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I just booked a flight with Southwest and was charged $15 for something called a "duct tape surcharge."
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
40 things you would like to say at work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Upvote
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Won't it be weird at Prince William's bachelor party?
Stuffing money into a stripper's G-string and every bill with a picture of his grandmother on it!
Stuffing money into a stripper's G-string and every bill with a picture of his grandmother on it!
Upvote
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The Blonde woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist
and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was
something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it.
After inspecting the prominent bulge, the pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month
in living expenses!
The Blonde woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist
and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was
something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it.
After inspecting the prominent bulge, the pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month
in living expenses!
Upvote
0