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Best Jokes

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the crowded freeway. Glancing at the car, the officer was astounded to see that the young blonde woman behind the wheel was knitting.
She was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, so the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 
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MightbeaBuck;1956796; said:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the crowded freeway. Glancing at the car, the officer was astounded to see that the young blonde woman behind the wheel was knitting.
She was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, so the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Click to expand...

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGu0B6kL9eM"]OR a cardigan[/ame]... :biggrin:
 
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The psychic gazed at her Tarot cards and delivered the bad news, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's just no easy way to say this, prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent, horrible death within the year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
 
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[FONT=&quot]An old married couple was at home watching TV.
[FONT=&quot]The husband had the remote and was switching back [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"Ford God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][/FONT]
 
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Real men answer "C" to all of these questions. Women can gain an
understanding of men and enriching their own lives if they carefully
review. the correct "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic

friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
  • Take it to the President of the United States.
  • B. Take it to the Secretary-General of the UN.
  • C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat
B. A dog
C. A dog that eats cats

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game, she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning, your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a pair of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. TRICK QUESTION: It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy
B. Religion
C. Remote control


 
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A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department Claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out To interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded The agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... The half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher
 
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BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat

down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a

man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did

a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm
news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money...
 
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[FONT=&quot]A senior citizen was driving down the freeway[/FONT]... [FONT=&quot]his phone rang[/FONT]... [FONT=&quot]answering he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Herman, I just heard on the news there's a driver going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful !"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hun" he answered, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them "[/FONT]
 
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BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF



A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
 
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WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
Comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and
give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit.

Never mind.
 
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An elderly man named Cinci is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
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MightbeaBuck;1995232; said:
I was having hot sex with this chick when suddenly she heard the front door open.

"Oh, no!" she cried. "That's my husband! Quick! Try the back door!"

Thinking back, I probably should have run but, really, how often does that opportunity arise?
Click to expand...


Awesome. Best one I've heard in a while. :rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
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How do you know the hipster has a burnt tounge?

He ate his dinner before it was cool.



Two whales walked into a bar

The first whale says oooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooo

The second whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk"
 
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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead & bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse & was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch...
 
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