COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO
So what if Buckeyes are nuts? Be nice
Friday, August 25, 2006
Please do not taunt, tease, insult, fold, spindle, mutilate or otherwise mess with the Ohio State fans who are coming to Austin to visit next month for the big football game.
Be nice. Be cordial. Do not point out that Ohio is a four-letter word.
<!--endtext--><!--startclickprintexclude-->That's the message coming out of the University of Texas, which has started a campaign to get UT fans to behave this season. I suspect this is happening because UT wants to keep September's Ohio State-Texas game a fracas-free occasion.
See, at last year's game in Columbus, there were reports of UT fans being verbally abused and shoved around. It was so bad that Ohio State officials apologized for boorish Buckeye behavior.
So UT has begun a drive to make sure Bevo boosters don't reciprocate and try to out-ugly Ohio State when their fans come to Austin. The words "Texas fans make us proud" will appear on T-shirts, cups and the new KingKongatron scoreboard.
UT is doing the right thing. These Ohio folk will be our guests. So don't say rude things like, "So, I hear all the money and class is over at Michigan; any truth to that?" Or, "John Glenn: I hear tell he went to outer space just to get out of Ohio." Or, "Don't you Browns fans get tired of Pittsburgh kicking your butts?"
So, none of that kind of trash talk, OK? Show some manners. Show some Texas friendly. After all, these people deserve our sympathy. Ohio is so pathetic that the big cow sculpted out of butter at their state fair — the so-called butter cow — is made from a ton of butter that comes from Texas.
The reason? They say it's because butter sculptures require unsalted butter, and Ohio doesn't produce it. But I figure it's because Ohioans are too stupid to churn.
So smile, be nice and hand these Ohio folks a breakfast taco. And show them how to eat it so they don't squirt salsa out the end.
I find it amusing that UT is worried about the behavior of Longhorn fans. I'm a regular at UT home games and I find UT fans to be darn near boring. One time, two guys sitting behind me began discussing civil engineering. No wonder I've never seen a fistfight in Royal-Memorial Stadium. Besides, if it's a blowout, everybody's left by the third quarter to head for the air conditioning.
You tell me: How can trouble break out in an empty room?
Besides, there's really no reason to be less than gracious to the Ohio State people when they get here.
Tormenting these people would be like George W. Bush invading Iraq: picking on the wrong people. The mouth breathers who started the trouble up at Ohio State won't have the money to fly to Austin to come to the game. They'll be back home in their trailers watching Jerry Springer. Or, they'll be appearing on Jerry Springer. The Ohio State fans who make the trip will be the wealthy alumni.
What fun is it to set off some old Midwestern creaker's pacemaker? So show these people some class. Take them to a tailgate party. And puhleeze, no Cleveland jokes, OK?
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or
[email protected].