After Hillary had her concussion a reporter asked Bill how her head was and he replied "not as good as Monica's".
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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Crump's brother
Moxahala Park Carnie/ Rehoboth Strangler
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Much funnier when using a cane instead of an umbrella...OCBucksFan;878862; said:
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Crump's brother
Moxahala Park Carnie/ Rehoboth Strangler
MightbeaBuck;2291154; said:
Whoops.
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Been priding myself for a few years now over the improved patience I have......
Turns out I just don't give a shit
Turns out I just don't give a shit
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This one was a movie called 'Blue Valentine", when Ryan Gosling asks Michelle Williams to tell him a joke. Dark humor.
"A child molester takes a young boy into a forest at night. It's really dark in there, and the young boy starts getting nervous. They go farther and farther into the forest, and it becomes almost pitch black, with several animal sounds making things even more ominous. Finally the kid says "Mister, I'm scared." And the child molester says: "You think you're scared? ... I'm going to have to walk out of here all by myself!"
"A child molester takes a young boy into a forest at night. It's really dark in there, and the young boy starts getting nervous. They go farther and farther into the forest, and it becomes almost pitch black, with several animal sounds making things even more ominous. Finally the kid says "Mister, I'm scared." And the child molester says: "You think you're scared? ... I'm going to have to walk out of here all by myself!"
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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ..........
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ..........
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I
am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all
was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I
am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all
was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Wife goes to the Doctor
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
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Woman to doctor after all the tests were done.
So how long do I have?
The doc says 10.
10? 10 what? Years? Months?
The doc says "9"
So how long do I have?
The doc says 10.
10? 10 what? Years? Months?
The doc says "9"
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Great Quotes by Role Models
DON'T FORGET, OVER 50 % OR MORE WERE ON COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIPS AND HIGH SCHOOL FREEBEES THAT PERMITTED THEM TO GET INTO COLLEGE, BUT THEY'RE AT LEAST WORTH 100 MILLION EACH. SO WHAT DO I KNOW?
The Dumbest Things Ever said by Professional Athletes, Coaches and Announcers:
1. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O?Neal?s response to whether or not he had stopped at the Parthenon while in Greece.
2. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex." -- Former MLB outfielder Carl Everett on Creationism
3. "Fade into Bolivian, I guess." -- Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson on what he would do after retiring from boxing. You think he means disappear into South America?
4. "I want all the kids to copulate me." -- Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer Andre Dawson on being a role model for children.
5. "Anyone with knowledge of the slave trade and the NFL could say that these two parallel each other." -- Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall tweeted this nugget of historical wisdom in 2011 likening the NFL to slavery.
6. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle." -- NC State basketball player Chuck Nevitt explaining to his coach why he appeared nervous during practice.
7. "We do the same things here." -- Former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman on North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un using prison camps to punish alleged criminals.
8. "I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right hand. I'm amphibious." -- Charles Shackleford, former NBA forward
9. "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." -- Lou Duva on the rigorous training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota.
10. "They shouldn't throw at me. I?m the father of five or six kids." -- Former MLB player Tito Fuentes on getting hit by pitches.
11. "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards whichever comes first." -- South Carolina Heisman Trophy winner George Rogers
12. "Better make it six. I can't eat eight." -- Former MLB pitcher Dan Osinski after a waitress asked him if he wanted his pizza cut into six slices or eight.
13. "Well, I?m not one of them. So that?s 49 percent right there." -- Former MLB outfielder and base-stealing extraordinaire Rickey Henderson on a writer's claim that 50 percent of major league baseball players use steroids:
14. "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." -- Former University of Houston wide receiver Torrin Polk on former coach John Jenkins
15. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." -- Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson tweeted this message, presumably to the creator of the universe, after dropping a game-winning catch in 2010.
16. "I've got my family to feed." -- Former NBA swingman Latrell Sprewell on why he wanted to sign a contract extension or be traded after making $14.6 million during the 2004-05 season.
17. "It's almost like we have ESPN or something." -- Lakers great Magic Johnson on how he and teammate James Worthy always work so well together on the basketball court.
18. "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." -- Former Philly relief pitcher Tug McGraw on whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.
19. "Because there are no fours." -- Former NBA power forward Antoine Walker on why he shoots so many three-pointers.
20. "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." -- Former Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf explaining what he told one of his players who received four F's and one D on his report card.
21. "Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean." -- Pedro Guerrero, former MLB baseball player
22. "My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." -- Former Orlando Magic star Tracy McGrady
23. "It's going to be about me." -- Former NFL great Lawrence Taylor describing the autobiography he planned to write.
24. "Sam is an idiot? 'I-D-O-U-T' idiot." -- Shaquille O'Neal on Chicago Tribune writer Sam Smith, who wrote an article suggesting the Miami Heat rid themselves of "The Big Aristotle."
25. "I believe I am more intelligent than the average person. There are few people with such talent, so there are few able to judge what I am doing." -- Italian footballer Mario Balotelli on his past antics involving dart-throwing at youth league players and sneaking into a women?s prison.
DON'T FORGET, OVER 50 % OR MORE WERE ON COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIPS AND HIGH SCHOOL FREEBEES THAT PERMITTED THEM TO GET INTO COLLEGE, BUT THEY'RE AT LEAST WORTH 100 MILLION EACH. SO WHAT DO I KNOW?
The Dumbest Things Ever said by Professional Athletes, Coaches and Announcers:
1. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O?Neal?s response to whether or not he had stopped at the Parthenon while in Greece.
2. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex." -- Former MLB outfielder Carl Everett on Creationism
3. "Fade into Bolivian, I guess." -- Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson on what he would do after retiring from boxing. You think he means disappear into South America?
4. "I want all the kids to copulate me." -- Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer Andre Dawson on being a role model for children.
5. "Anyone with knowledge of the slave trade and the NFL could say that these two parallel each other." -- Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall tweeted this nugget of historical wisdom in 2011 likening the NFL to slavery.
6. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle." -- NC State basketball player Chuck Nevitt explaining to his coach why he appeared nervous during practice.
7. "We do the same things here." -- Former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman on North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un using prison camps to punish alleged criminals.
8. "I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right hand. I'm amphibious." -- Charles Shackleford, former NBA forward
9. "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." -- Lou Duva on the rigorous training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota.
10. "They shouldn't throw at me. I?m the father of five or six kids." -- Former MLB player Tito Fuentes on getting hit by pitches.
11. "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards whichever comes first." -- South Carolina Heisman Trophy winner George Rogers
12. "Better make it six. I can't eat eight." -- Former MLB pitcher Dan Osinski after a waitress asked him if he wanted his pizza cut into six slices or eight.
13. "Well, I?m not one of them. So that?s 49 percent right there." -- Former MLB outfielder and base-stealing extraordinaire Rickey Henderson on a writer's claim that 50 percent of major league baseball players use steroids:
14. "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." -- Former University of Houston wide receiver Torrin Polk on former coach John Jenkins
15. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..." -- Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson tweeted this message, presumably to the creator of the universe, after dropping a game-winning catch in 2010.
16. "I've got my family to feed." -- Former NBA swingman Latrell Sprewell on why he wanted to sign a contract extension or be traded after making $14.6 million during the 2004-05 season.
17. "It's almost like we have ESPN or something." -- Lakers great Magic Johnson on how he and teammate James Worthy always work so well together on the basketball court.
18. "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." -- Former Philly relief pitcher Tug McGraw on whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.
19. "Because there are no fours." -- Former NBA power forward Antoine Walker on why he shoots so many three-pointers.
20. "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." -- Former Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf explaining what he told one of his players who received four F's and one D on his report card.
21. "Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean." -- Pedro Guerrero, former MLB baseball player
22. "My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." -- Former Orlando Magic star Tracy McGrady
23. "It's going to be about me." -- Former NFL great Lawrence Taylor describing the autobiography he planned to write.
24. "Sam is an idiot? 'I-D-O-U-T' idiot." -- Shaquille O'Neal on Chicago Tribune writer Sam Smith, who wrote an article suggesting the Miami Heat rid themselves of "The Big Aristotle."
25. "I believe I am more intelligent than the average person. There are few people with such talent, so there are few able to judge what I am doing." -- Italian footballer Mario Balotelli on his past antics involving dart-throwing at youth league players and sneaking into a women?s prison.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A Wish To Live Forever.....
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
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