• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
My wife packed all my things last night and put them in the front yard.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you miserable bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"
 
Upvote 0
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 
Upvote 0
Frozen Windows on a Cold Winter Morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed-up now."
 
Upvote 0
A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry
 
Upvote 0
IS SEX WORK?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to
his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,
the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how
much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed
in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A
Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the
colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What
was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir,
it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might
guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the
officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
 
Upvote 0
Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn?t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could now have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where?s your Ferrari?
 
Upvote 0
Coffee with the Pope

Folgers coffee execs manage to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Folgers man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

The Folgers guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Folgers respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
 
Upvote 0
His and Her Diary

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so afterwards
I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled sadly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what
to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life
is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Four-putted today. Who the hell four putts?!
 
Upvote 0
ne4a5agu.jpg
 
Upvote 0
An old and crusty retired Master Sergeant was sitting at the bar by himself when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him. "May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.
She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So tell me what you do. You seem to be in great shape for a man your age."
"I'm a retired Army Master Sergeant. I don't do much anymore, besides sit at his here bar every night."
She notices he isn't wearing a ring. "Are you not married?", she asks.
"Never have been. Spent most of my life overseas in combat. The army was my wife, until I left her."
At this point, they hit it off. They strike up great conversation, and continue buying each other drinks. The blonde's inhibitions have obviously lowered at this point, and without hesitation, she asks him another question.
"So tell me, Master Sergeant. How long has it been since you've been laid?"
He takes a long pause and stares in the distance in deep thought. He then says, "1955".
The blonde is shocked. "1955! You have some catching up to do! You and me, in my car, right now!"
They hopped in her backseat and commenced to the roughest sex she has ever had. She has orgasm after orgasm. She couldn't believe his sexual prowess.
She catches her breath after they finish. She's never been fucked so good before. Completely amazed, she says to him, "Master Sergeant, you definitely have not lost your touch since 1955. You were amazing!"
He takes a look down at his watch and says "I sure hope like hell I haven't, it's only 2330 now!"
 
Upvote 0
CoOnfused....

I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two ranchers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ' Service' a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

:tongue2:
 
Upvote 0
Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I was in Bullhead City, Arizona the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker on the bumper and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
 
Upvote 0
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it
 
Upvote 0
Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a
huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new
penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before, and you decide to only invest in
a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top