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Best Jokes

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The Blizzard and the Blonde

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.


The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.
 
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Riddle Me This


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in NYC

As the car traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 dollar bill lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception desk?


Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
 
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Sweet Revenge

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl in the library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock ....

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 
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Please be careful this Christmas Season :lol:

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
 
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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,And a Happy New Year.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
 
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LitlBuck said:
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,And a Happy New Year.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Click to expand...
Just posted this on my Hispanic son-in-law's Facebook wall...
 
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Greek vs. Italian

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."
 
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
 
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1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out

to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it

was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in

his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A backward poet writes inverse.

11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
 
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