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Best Jokes

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The Potato Story

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally hey got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam’. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato’, and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a…

just a… just a COMMON TATER!!!
 
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SCOTCH?---


On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.


The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.


Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.


"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"




"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
 
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The Rabbi is Leaving . . .


At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"


More sighs and loud applause.


Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him!"


There is total silence.


The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"


Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:


"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck Him..."
 
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The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the rise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”Maria: “No Señora… Ze gardener did.”


Wife: “So how much do you want?”
 
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Cojones de Toro

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
 
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________
scUMs Brady Hoke on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

How many scUM freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

Why did the scUM O-lineman steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former scUM football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
 
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but,

by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 
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New Golf Book (Winning Golf Strategies)

You may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.


Table of Contents

Chapter 1 How to properly line up your fourth putt.

Chapter 2 How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 How to get more distance off the shank.

Chapter 5 When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post ...Undetected.

Chapter 10 How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 How to let a foursome play through your twosome.

Chapter 14 How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.

Chapter 15 When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 When to re grip your ball retriever.

Chapter 18 Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the bartender.
 
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Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital... He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?
 
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I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (64), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s.h.i.t"
 
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$7.00 SEX

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? "The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothingwrong with the way you have intercourse. "He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them$50 and he says goodbye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out? "The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....Medicare pays $43 of it.
 
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