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Best Jokes

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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row,

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you find one, what's your plan?
 
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> The FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


> His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


> The brother who ate prunes-------------------- Gotta Gogh


> The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh


> The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------- U Gogh


> His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


> His Mexican cousin ----------------------------- A Mee Gogh

>

> The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

>

> The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

>

> The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

>

> The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

>

> The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

>

> An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

>

> The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

>

> A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

>

> And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

>

>

>

> I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh
 
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The Gorilla and the Keeper

The Houston Zoo received a new addition to their primate refuge, a young adult gorilla. However, within a few weeks, the gorilla -- a female -- became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. The Zoo Keeper thought he might have a solution.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck, part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee wasn't the brightest bulb but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:


"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Zoo Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again quickly agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
 
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A Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?
'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was
missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next
door joined the Navy.'
 
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CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman
were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest,
when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL,
40 D Breasts,
24" WAIST, and
34" HIPS..

When she walks into a room, people say,
" Oh MY God "
 
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A few minutes before the church services started in this rural TEXAS town, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the rear entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old Texas cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
 
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CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman
were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest,
when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL,
40 D Breasts,
24" WAIST, and
34" HIPS..

When she walks into a room, people say,
" Oh MY God "
 
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MAYBE WE STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad."

I can tell you this….. that friggin fly never knew what hit him...
 
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Jim is passing by Farmer John’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Farmer John doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Jim rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, John?”

“Good grief, Jim, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Farmer John.

“But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
 
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an old dying man who invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed to ask a favor (I'm paraphrasing, somewhat).
He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.

Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.

Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.

David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.
 
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some-people-never-develop-beyond-the-asshole-stage.jpg
 
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A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight
 
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A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most
expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment
in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the
while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decided
not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."
 
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