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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Saw31
High Seas Rogue
Two M*ch*g*n cheerleaders were drunk discussing their sexual exploits.
The 1st cheerleader said "I fucked Mike Hart in the end zone of M*ch*g*n stadium."
The 2nd cheerleader said "bullshit. You're a liar."
The 1st cheerleader said "You don't believe I fucked Mike Hart?"
The 2nd cheerleader said "I believe you fucked Mike Hart, But I don't believe Mike Hart found the end zone."
The 1st cheerleader said "I fucked Mike Hart in the end zone of M*ch*g*n stadium."
The 2nd cheerleader said "bullshit. You're a liar."
The 1st cheerleader said "You don't believe I fucked Mike Hart?"
The 2nd cheerleader said "I believe you fucked Mike Hart, But I don't believe Mike Hart found the end zone."
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
Jewish Mothers and Italian mothers
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says,
'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do’.
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor’.
***************************************************************************
ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says,
'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says,
'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do’.
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor’.
***************************************************************************
ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says,
'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
Last edited by a moderator:
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."
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Love Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin "why do tigers have tails?"
Hobbes "cuz they look cool?"
Calvin "kinda like ties for your butt"
Calvin "why do tigers have tails?"
Hobbes "cuz they look cool?"
Calvin "kinda like ties for your butt"
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This may not be new
=====
A man knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "property ? .... the asshole has a paper route!"
=====
A man knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "property ? .... the asshole has a paper route!"
Upvote
0
