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Best Jokes

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When Worlds collide...Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!

At long last, a version of Cathy that males may enjoy.

Cathy Comics Enhanced With Louis CK Quotes

http://thecathyckpage.tumblr.com/?og=1

tumblr_nj019ohbXc1u8lj26o1_1280.jpg
 
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Hmmm
Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine
a country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc
and he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon
who all drank wine
go figure
 
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Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin's Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin's condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn't" the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said "and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I'm sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said, "HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!"
 
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the restrooms. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!
 
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A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"
 
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A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, car salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.

"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
 
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 
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A blonde her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
 
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
 
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I was standing at the bar in a Cairns pub and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it because I Chinese?”

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little prick.”
 
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WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
 
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A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 
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