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Best Jokes

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Why didn't the M*ch*g*n cheerleader pose for Playboy?

They never asked.



Why didn't the M*ch*g*n cheerleader pose for Penthouse?

They never asked.



Why didn't the M*ch*g*n cheerleader go into the porn industry?

Have you seen them naked? :eek:



What do you say to a M*ch*g*n cheerleader after you fuck her?

"Please God forgive me. What was you name?"



Its you and a M*ch*g*n cheerleader as the last people on earth. What do you do?



I'm sorry. I'm a sick, demented fuckhead. This would never happen. Forget I said this....Again, I apologize...


Fuck Desmond Howard.
 
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Drunker than whatever whatever mankind...

Not really. But drunk enough to make a few jokes about those cockweasels up north.

I'm not wearing khakis. But I do have my shirt off. My nipples point straight down to the ground just like Harbaughs. Gravity always wins...
 
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The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
“I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies:
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says:
“Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
year that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
 
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder
be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready
he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"
 
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates:
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the BlackHills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him
in the face..Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you.
St. Peter was impressed, 'So when did this happen?'
A couple of minutes ago.'
 
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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, shot and killed the bike owner, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 
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I knew a guy who failed a field sobriety test and was taken to the station and blew a 0.0 and said "now give me a ride home you fucking assholes".

disclaimer: I do not recommend this course of action. Seriously, don't try this at home.
 
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Blonde's steering wheel:
uninformed.jpg
 
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Remember When?

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 1/2-inch floppy . . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
 
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