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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
FINANCIAL PLANNING
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'.
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
Breakfast at a Truck Stop
> During travel, often the best food is a truck stop.
>
> I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually
> ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
>
> A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He
> said , "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
> running boards."
>
> The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
> the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
> three flat tires, a pair of
> headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this
> place is, an auto parts store?"
>
> 'No,' the cook said. ‘Three flat tires... mean three pancakes; a
> pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of
> running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
>
> 'Oh... OK!' said the blonde.
>
> She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of
> beans and gave it to the customer.
>
> The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
>
> (I love this one...! )
>
> She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
> headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
>
> FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
> During travel, often the best food is a truck stop.
>
> I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually
> ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
>
> A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He
> said , "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
> running boards."
>
> The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
> the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
> three flat tires, a pair of
> headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this
> place is, an auto parts store?"
>
> 'No,' the cook said. ‘Three flat tires... mean three pancakes; a
> pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of
> running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
>
> 'Oh... OK!' said the blonde.
>
> She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of
> beans and gave it to the customer.
>
> The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
>
> (I love this one...! )
>
> She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
> headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
>
> FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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Subject: Positive attitude
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply:
"Can I feel your boobs, then?"
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply:
"Can I feel your boobs, then?"
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History of the Condom
I know you have always been a student of history, but bet you didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me.
I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
FYI: I did not run this through Snopes but got it from a friend that I totally trust.
I know you have always been a student of history, but bet you didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me.
I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
FYI: I did not run this through Snopes but got it from a friend that I totally trust.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Seniors Getting Married
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The
Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The
Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
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MaliBuckeye
1) Be A Man.
Just got back from the doctor for my annual physical.
He told me that I needed to stop masturbating
I asked him "Why?"
He said, "Because I'm in the middle of giving you a physical..."
He told me that I needed to stop masturbating
I asked him "Why?"
He said, "Because I'm in the middle of giving you a physical..."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
On her first trip to Boston, the Southern blonde girl met a guy at a bar and asked, “Do you y’all go to Harvard?”
The guy responded, “Yale.”
“Okay, DO Y’ALL GO TO HARVARD?!”
The guy responded, “Yale.”
“Okay, DO Y’ALL GO TO HARVARD?!”
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Carolyn, a rich blonde girl, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the
car just won’t move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any
luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a
technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he
turns to the blonder and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the
right gears?”
Full of anger, the blonde replies: “You fool, you idiot, how on earth
could you ask such a question? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I
am using the right gears; I use ‘D’ during the day and ‘N’ at night.”
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the
car just won’t move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any
luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a
technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he
turns to the blonder and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the
right gears?”
Full of anger, the blonde replies: “You fool, you idiot, how on earth
could you ask such a question? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I
am using the right gears; I use ‘D’ during the day and ‘N’ at night.”
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Two female blonde carpenders, Jane and Diane were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Jane, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Diane, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Jane explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Diane got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
Diane, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Jane explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Diane got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
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Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and... bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and... bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
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