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Best Jokes

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

So, Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Then she rolls her window back up, looks over at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
 
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I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
 
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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?", I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night." We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?"
 
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full-26480-306619-3umbrellas.jpg

I was about to hurl a mouthful of abuse at them for being so ignorant WHEN I realized I was talking to three outdoor umbrellas!
 
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A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.

They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.

"What are you doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

Paramedics say he should being regaining consciousness fairly soon...
 
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Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.”

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike".
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fuckin' Muslims."
 
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Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

Wait for it ...........



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
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3.21.14-National-Puppy-Day5.jpg


This is Buddy
I bought him as a surprise present for my husband but it turns out he's allergic to dogs
So unfortunately I'm going to have to find a new home for him and I'm just wondering if anyone out there can help ?
His name is Alan, he’s 41, great at DIY, drives a nice car and plans wonderful holidays.
 
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A Jewish man called his Jewish mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
 
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NJ-Buckeye said:
3.21.14-National-Puppy-Day5.jpg


This is Buddy
I bought him as a surprise present for my husband but it turns out he's allergic to dogs
So unfortunately I'm going to have to find a new home for him and I'm just wondering if anyone out there can help ?
His name is Alan, he’s 41, great at DIY, drives a nice car and plans wonderful holidays.
Click to expand...

That little guy looks like our new puppy.

image.jpeg

Sorry to hijack the joke thread. I don't have a joke.
 
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