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Best Jokes

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THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago.
 
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BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
 
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High School Graduation In Detroit


A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.


At graduation, he didn't have enough credits but he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told Dwayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. "Dwayne," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway!” “Graduate him anyway!"

Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."



A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another chant. “Give him another chance!” “Give him another chance!"
 
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An old Man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy Rode on the donkey & the old man Walked.
As they Went along they passed some people who
Remarked "What a shame the old man is walking
And the boy is riding."
The man And boy thought maybe the critics were right, so
They changed positions.
Later they Passed some people who remarked
"What a shame.... He makes that little boy Walk."
So they Then decided they'd both walk!
Soon They passed some more people who
Remarked "They're really stupid to walk when
They have a decent donkey to Ride."
So, They both rode the donkey. now they
Passed some people Who Shamed them by saying "How awful
To Put such a Load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man Figured they were probably right,
So they Decide to carry the donkey.
As They crossed the bridge,They lost
Their grip on the animal And he fell into the River and drowned.
The moral Of the story? If you Try to please everyone,
You might as Well...Kiss your Ass goodbye!
 
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Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Terrance"

One day Terrance's mama came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
Then he turned around and saw our friend Terrance, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought Terrance had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama.
 
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So this married couple was on an African safari when they spotted an antelope trying to escape from a cheetah. The wife told the husband, “If the antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a blowjob every day for the rest of your life.

 
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A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that? ...
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: Well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: What fish??
 
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework" The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story" The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn"
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was" The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son" The robot slaps the mother.
 
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you?! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! YOUR FAULT !!!
Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME ?!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very quiet voice . In a dry hoarse barely audible whisper, he says,



"Who is this ?"
 
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Llllloyd Carr, Rich Rodriquez and Brady Hoke walk into a bar.

Bartender says "Ouch, that had to hurt....Why didn't you duck? Dumbasses.".






Chad Henne walked into a bar...after he watched Lllloyd, Rich and Brady walk into a bar. Dumbass. He looks like Lloyd Christmas, no surprise.

Denard Robinson wasn't tall enough to walk into the bar. So he went to the sidelines.

Braylon Edwards dropped the bar and then got pulled over by the cops.

Devin Funchess said "fuck it, I'll just perform way below the bar."

Chris Perry said "Do you remember when I was at the bar?"

Mike Hart said "Do they have a stationary bike at the bar?"

Brendon Gibbons said "I gonna rape this chick at the bar."

Larry Harrison Jr. said "I'm gonna jerk off on the porch of that bar."

Tishmanda Biackabatuka said "Even fucking GOOGLE can't correct this spelling - no matches found." - (I ain't fucking trying to figure out the correct spelling of his name because fuck him.)

Tate Forcier went to the bar, but it was already closed...



Yeah, I made this shit up.
 
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Devin Gardner went to the bar.

Bartender says "Jesus Christ dude! Why the fuck did you go to M*ch*g*n? You played some badass games and got your ass kicked. I wish you the best. Hell of a player...seriously."





And forgot one...


Desmond Howard walked into a bar with the ESPN lawyers for contract negotiations and said "I want all the cocks Mark May used to suck, and I want to suck them."...
 
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A M*ch*g*n cheerleader walked into a bar.

Bartender says "How old are you?"

Cheerleader is pissed and says "I'm old enough to remember the last time M*ch*g*n was great!"

Bartender says "Are you the Messiah?"




What do you find between a M*ch*g*n cheerleaders legs?

Probably syphilis.



What does a M*ch*g*n cheerleader keep in her bra?

A crack pipe and a welfare check.



Why did the M*ch*g*n cheerleader jump off a cliff?

You need me to tell you? Seriously? :no:



What is a M*ch*g*n cheerleaders favorite sexual position?

She doesn't know. Nobody will fuck her.


Two M*ch*g*n cheerleaders walk into Walmart.

Now they work at Walmart.
 
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I apologize. I drink Monday nights because I have Tuesdays off. And I'm prone to drunken mocking of TSUN. The best thing I can say about TSUN, is that they don't cover up child rape, just regular rape. They've got that going for them...



Old one but good one.

What type of batteries go into a M*ch*g*n flashlight?

1-AA
 
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You think I'm sitting around taking this Harbaugh shit lightly? Not me. I'm stepping up my game. I'm going Triple Lindy on this shit. To pretend those yellow and blue fucktards aren't a threat to our Buckeye way of life is to think unicorn blowjobs exist. Harbaugh is gonna make the detritus he has better than they were. It won't be enough this year, but....


What did the B1G offices say to Harbaugh?

Dude, put on a shirt. Jesus!
 
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