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That’s not what Daddy told me!
Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this ..... .
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You got Male!
 
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A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.


He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.
"The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
 
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DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
...... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, very cut

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you but I stepped on a Duck.
 
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MY FIRST DRINK WITH MY SON...

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which was only two blocks from the house

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Samuel Adams, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the John Jameson Dublin Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
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WASHINGTON REDSKINS

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious... Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page...

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress

Regards, Dennis
 
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According to the latest scientific data, on average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only three or four times a year.

This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
 
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A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 
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A ragged, old derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in
'Nam; but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed
me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a
while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.
By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.
When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called, "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.
After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a
knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug,
and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled.
He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out
Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours,
but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
 
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The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....Whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Pie. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?”

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
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SEC track coaches intend to use several new signees in their track programs; however, instead of using a starting pistol at track meets, they now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
 
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