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Best Jokes

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not mine, probably already posted but i laughed.



My wife says to me the other night...

"How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek
a dozen times, rammed it in, grabbed her by the hair and
yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me
jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came
on her face....

She was pissed ...

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
 
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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting chicken.

Interrup-
image_interruptingchicken4.jpg


Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
 
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Judi (dumb blonde) runs crying into the office.

“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.

“It’s my boyfriend,” gushes Judi. “He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”

“My god,” shrieks Carol. “Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?”

“No thank goodness,” sniffs Judi. “But it was the one just next to it!”
 
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
 
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Peaches



:farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.



He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"




She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"




He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.




Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"




The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.




Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"




He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.




She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"




Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn,... and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
 
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Three hillbillies



Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"



3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together!

I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
two

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick.”
 
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A Grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning when he made her a cup of coffee. Even though it was the worst cup of coffee in her life, she drank it. When she got to the bottom there were three little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV-

‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”
 
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