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Best Jokes

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a
Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an
Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an
Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man tried to walk into a restaurant but the Maitre'D wouldn’t let them.

“Why not?”, they asked.

The Maitre'D said, “I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
 
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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Alabama. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened and hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-sayin he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."
 
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This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
“Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did all that, I’d be talking to your girlfriends over there instead of you.”

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
 
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What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.
 
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Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"



Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
 
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Estate Planning
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.
So he says to them,
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife,
"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property? the idiot had a newspaper route."
 
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SEX FOR GOLF
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the
golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up
the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he
makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you
will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
 
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: cuz.... I've already got a fucking cat!!
 
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A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The black guy says to the redneck:
"You see how clever we are? You rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy:
"Watch this, any Redneck is smarter than a roundhead, and I'll prove it to ya."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which redneck promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The redneck says, "Look in my friends pocket!"
 
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Linda, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour..

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
 
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My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Crosby's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the crap out of me....

Women have always been hard to figure out.
 
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