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Best Jokes

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INDIAN WINTER
It's late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
 
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A new solider in the 101st Airborne was in training, on his first jump. He asked "Sergeant, if my chute does not open, how long do I have before I hit the ground"? The Sergeant responded "don't worry, you have the entire rest of your life".
 
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This is why wives shouldn't go hunting!
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos , Texas . Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell away from my deer! Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air. The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
 
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There once was a man who was an avid hunter. He especially liked to hunt bears.
One day, he brought home a bear skin. His wife, who enjoyed sewing fur, tanned it and decided to make herself a two-piece swim suit, bra and panties.
When she finished sewing, she wore it outside to model her fur swimsuit and the next door neighbor saw her and looked away, embarrassed.
"Why did you look away?" asked the husband.
"Because," said the very religious neighbor,

Are you ready for this?

"thou shalt not witness bear falsies against thy neighbor."

:biggrin:
 
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A guy goes out drinking after work with his friends, and they get really drunk. After a while, the guy starts to feel sick and eventually throws up all over himself. "Oh, shit", he says "my wife is going to kill me if I show up at home after throwing up all over myself, what am I going to do?" One of his buddies says, "I've got it- put $20 in your pocket and tell her that somebody else threw up on you, and gave you the $20 to cover the dry cleaning." "That's genius!" the guy says, "I'll go with that."
Later, when the guy gets home, his wife sees him and asks, "What the hell happened to you? You're a mess! Did you throw up on yourself and ruin your suit?" "No," the guy says, "some guy threw up on me and gave me $20 to cover the dry cleaning. See, it's right here in my pocket." His wife reached into his pocket and pulled out $40. "What's the other $20 here for?" she asked. "Oh," he says, "that's from the guy who pooped in my pants."
 
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At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Se?or Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Se?or Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Se?or, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Se?or Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Se?or. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Se?or Bob."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Se?or Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Se?or."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Se?or! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Se?or Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Se?or Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Se?or Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE????

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
 
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that 's great....that 's just great..........some asshole 's got my pen.......
 
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I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty kilometers per hour", it says
"You're doing seventy five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
 
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Chuck, The Rooster
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
​
 
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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Honey", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say "hello"?
 
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SIX SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM
 
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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at the hardware store ever deliver the damn drywall..."
 
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NJ-Buckeye;2289091; said:
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at the hardware store ever deliver the damn drywall..."
Click to expand...

That's fucking funny. That little chick already knows. Fucking sub-contractors...:shake:
 
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