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Best Jokes

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A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,
He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months!"
 
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Alabama​
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.





"Where's Henry?" the others asked.





"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.





"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.





"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"





Georgia​

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.​


He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from Georgia Tech and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"​


The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."​




​

Louisiana​

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .."​
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."​


​



​

North Carolina​

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.​


A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.​

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."​


The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"​


The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."​


Tennessee​
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"​
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"​

Texas​
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."​

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "​
 
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Best Buckeye;2174827; said:
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Click to expand...

All you did was fuck up a good joke. The question is; why does the university of Michigan have Sex Ed. classes and Driver Training classes on different days of the week? The answer is; it was getting to be too hard on the mule.:biggrin:
 
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A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 
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Best Buckeye;2192210; said:
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Click to expand...

What is really on his tombstone:



http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=16419524

:biggrin:
 
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Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect....
P N E S I



SEE BELOW:




People who wrote 'SPINE' became doctors...




The rest are all my e-mail friends...
 
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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few. I noticed two large women by the bar.
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin ' idiot!"
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]So I imediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?". . . .
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]Then the lights went out...............
 
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The Mexican maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked:

"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Se?ora....The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"












​
 
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A very pale, blonde haired farming youth from MICHIGAN who had never traveled out of his county was walking along the beach in France on his first foreign Holiday.

There were many beautiful women lying in the sun. Many were topless, and he really wanted to meet one. But try as he might, the women didn't seem to be at all interested.

Finally, as a last resort, he walked up to a French guy lying on the beach who was surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me" he said, taking the guy aside "but I've been trying to meet one of these women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet" says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way".

"Wow! Thanks!" said the young fellow and off he went to the store.

He bought a skimpy red bathing suit, put it on, and went back to the beach. He paraded up and down the beach but still had no luck with the ladies. So he went back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again" he said "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl".

"Okay" says the Frenchman "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way".

"Thanks!" he said, and he ran off to the store.

He bought the potato, put it in the swimsuit, and marched up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walked but the women would hardly even look at him. After half an hour he couldn?t take it anymore and went back to the Frenchman.

"Look buddy" he said "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach and still nothing!

What more can I do?"

"Well" said the Frenchman "maybe I can help you a leetle beet.

Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
 
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high."
 
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The Golfer

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."




​

​
 
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Alzheimer's test

How fast can you fill-in the blanks to find the words?


1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

.
.
.
.
Answers:
.
.
.
.
.
.




























































1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert.
 
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