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Best Jokes

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A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope ... along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
 
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A FUNERAL

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 1000 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and
said, 'I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my wife when the dog turned on her.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'[/FONT]
 
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A man is pulled over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your Driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the Officer immediately called his Captain, the car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the Driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The Officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

​
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

​
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

​
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

​
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

​
'It sure was', said the little girl .

​
My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And, before he could say 'f*&k', the Rottweiler ate him!'

​
The teacher wet her pants laughing.​
 
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' He hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'

The bird promptly answered, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller 'Jesus'!
 
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For all you golfers out there.....



A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water

An 'Elephant Ass' - it's high and it stinks

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed

An 'O.J. Simpson' - got away with one

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far right

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far left

A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly, but still working

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees

A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.



A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
 
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Two Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your
picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were
a cop.'
 
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A LOVE STORY

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce inst antly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
 
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John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"
 
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BuckyBalls;1236714; said:
John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"
Click to expand...


I believe there was a commercial like this in some other country.
 
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A husband and wife were sitting watching TV. He turned to his wife and said...

'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad, all at the same time.'

She said ...'You have the Biggest D*#k of all your Friends
 
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