An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.”
“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!”
“Still do,” gasped the old man.
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…no point in you coming in for that."
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own friggen blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that fucking wall!”
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Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
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A man is getting ready to play his usual Sunday round of golf when his wife, feeling they're drifting apart and their marriage is failing, asks if she can come along. The man realizes he has no real choice in the matter and reluctantly agrees.
The man golfs an impressive round until the 17th hole, when he hooks one off the fairway behind a maintenance shed. The man curses, realizing he has an impossible shot. Trying to be helpful, his wife suggests, "If we open the front and back door to the shed you should still be able to make par."
The husband agrees and tries the shot. However, the ball bounces off a rafter and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
Six months later, one of the man's friends pleads with him to play golf again and try to put the past behind him. The man agrees.
At the same golf course, the man is having another outstanding round. But at the 17th hole, he once again hooks the ball behind the shed. His friend, looking at the impossible shot, suggests opening the doors to the shed.
"No," the man replies, "The last time I tried that I double-bogeyed."
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a
satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and
says; "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
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