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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
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Captain Hindsight
The Hero of the Modern Age
Someone explain to me how Osama even got to Heaven in the first place.
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because he was told he will get a bunch of virgins in heaven when he blew shit up.BCSBust said:
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
looks like teddy and his friends are gonna get to meet Osama.
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Poems from the heart
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.<o></o><o></o>
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.<o></o>
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.<o></o><o></o>
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.<o></o>
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Life Isn't Fair
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus?
The life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves.
You've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,
Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus?
The life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves.
You've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,
and then you finish off as an orgasm!<o></o>
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him. "How nice," say! s Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl; it's really cute." They approach the little girl. He greets the little girl and says "How are the kittens doing?" and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats." Abashed, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open...
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him. "How nice," say! s Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl; it's really cute." They approach the little girl. He greets the little girl and says "How are the kittens doing?" and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats." Abashed, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open...
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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkin' drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
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IRISH HUMOR:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a wee bit of a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner!" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, reflecting... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of grand beauty it is, but useless in a fight."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a wee bit of a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner!" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, reflecting... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of grand beauty it is, but useless in a fight."
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
Indian Mating Season
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, sopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! !" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, heraced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, sopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! !" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, heraced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
You're Not A Kid Anymore When...
1. Your biggest concern about dancing is falling.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. You have a dream about prunes.
5. You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.
6. Your Chihuahua weighs more than 25 pounds.
7. You read the obituaries daily.
8. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
9. You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.
10. You wear knee high stockings with everything.
11. You find no humor in bladder control jokes.
12. You can't climb a tree... even with a ladder.
13. You play golf with your wife.
14. You don't like to drive after dark.
15. Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
1. Your biggest concern about dancing is falling.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. You have a dream about prunes.
5. You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.
6. Your Chihuahua weighs more than 25 pounds.
7. You read the obituaries daily.
8. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
9. You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.
10. You wear knee high stockings with everything.
11. You find no humor in bladder control jokes.
12. You can't climb a tree... even with a ladder.
13. You play golf with your wife.
14. You don't like to drive after dark.
15. Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
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