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Best Jokes

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An Irish Prayer

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, found one."
 
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Origin of Sex

A Greek and an Italian are sitting in a Starbuck's one day, discussing who has the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the <st1>Roman Empire</st1>"

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
 
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Two Arabs move to the United States. They decide to meet again in one year to see who has become more "Americanized".

After one year they meet. The first Arab says "I took my family to McDonalds yesterday, went to a movie and baseball game. How about you?"

The second Arab says "Fuck you, Raghead!"
 
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The other night, I took my husband out to dinner at a very plush restaurant. I was staring at a drunken man swigging his gin as he was sitting alone at a nearby table. My husband asks me, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," I sighed, "He's my ex. He took to drinking right after we divorced nine years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." ​

She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"​
 
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
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An Italian is drinking in a <st1:state w:st="on"><st1>New York</st1></st1:state> bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks.....like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino"

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighted 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised"
 
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Things That Change After College
1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You carry an umbrella.

8. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

9. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.

10. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

11. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.

12. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

13. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

14. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

16. You pay the government thousands of dollars every year.

17. You go to the pharmacy for Tylenol and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.

18. A $5 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.

20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

21. You can't persuade your roommates to "Drink till dawn."

22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

23. You always know where you are when you wake up.

24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25. You feed your dog Purina instead of McDonald"s.

26. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

27. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
 
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Messican Style

A Mexican from Eagle Pass found himself in Houston and decided to approach a prostitute down on lower Oppenheimer.
He asked her, "How much do you sharge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world.

How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Wheres the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."
 
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No Americans

No Americans!
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking doem the street and says "Thank You Mr. American for letting me into this country and giving me housing, food stamps , free medical care, and free education!" But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America. That person puts up his hand and says "I am from I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work...."

Sorry, should be easier to read now. I got this from my mom who is a die hard democrat. I thought it was a good read to share with ya'll
 
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Management 101

This has more truth than fiction in it.... sounds way too familiar.
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
 
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