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Best Jokes

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Pierre, Guido, and Izzy are bragging about their ability to pleasure their wives:

Pierre says: "Last night I slathered my wife in butter, made love to her, and she screamed for half an hour.

Guido says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife with olive oil, made love to her, and she screamed for forty-five minutes."

Izzy says: "Please, last night I smeared my wife with chicken fat, made love to her, and she screamed for two hours!"

"My God, Izzy, Pierre and Guido say, what did you do?"

Izzy: "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
 
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The Sex Frog

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guarantee!

Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time..."
 
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HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
 
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A man walks into a doctors office and says "Doctor, I have a splitting headache that I just can't get rid of."

The doctor asks, "Does it feel like a nail driving through the middle of your head?"

The man says, "Yes, how did you know?"

The doctor replies, "I had a headache like that a few months ago."

"How did you get rid of it?" the man asks.

"I gave oral sex to my wife every night for 2 weeks straight. She would get so excited she would clamp her legs around my head and eventually the pressure on my head eased the pain. Give that a try and come back in 2 weeks."

Two weeks later the man goes back to see the doctor. "How do you feel? Did it work?" asks the doctor.

The man replies, "Yes and you have a lovely home."
 
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Sister Mary teaches at a catholic school. She asked her students one day what part of their body they think gets in to heaven first. Little Cindy raises her hand.

"I think your hands go in first because while you are praying God comes down and grabs you by he hand and leads you in to Heaven."

"That's a very good answer Cindy," says the Nun. "Anybody else?"

Little Bobby raises his hand and says, "I think it's the legs."

"Why do you think it's the legs?" asks Sister Mary.

"Well, last night I walked in on my mommy and daddy. Mommy had her legs up in the air and was screaming 'Oh God I'm coming!'. And I think she would have made it if daddy wasn't pinning her down."
 
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A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."
 
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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go......."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

Whispering:......





Dave.............









...............you're a vet".
 
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Why Men Are Happier Than Women
1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
 
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
 
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There just seems to be less and less appreciation for the sacrifices we males make....

Linda left me.

I don't understand. After the last cat arrived, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything !"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for !"

I don't think she'll be back...
 
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A woman walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.

"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex with another woman," the lady resplies.

"I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman," the pharmacist says.

The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies.
 
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Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

WOW ~ I love it when a plan comes together!
 
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A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
laughing, then there's no hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's tab! le asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

CHILI 1: Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amazing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI 2: Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the ! reach of children. I'm not sure What
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI 3: Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer..

CHILI 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Ju! dge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This
300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of! distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it - I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI 8 Karen's Toenail-Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold yet spicy enough to declare its existence

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.
 
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