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Best Jokes

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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.


For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.
 
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Here are a couple clean ones my little cousin told me that I thought were funny.

If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom

Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with pooh!

Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have thier trunks down

How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, surround it by peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have big nostrils!
 
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How to pick out a bra

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
> (A} Almost Boobs...
> {B} Barely there.
> {C} Can't Complain!
> {D} Dang!
> {DD} Double dang!
> {E} Enormous!
> {F} Fake.
> {G} Get a Reduction.
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
 
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SAD NEWS

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at
the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully
at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

:oh: :io:
 
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If you've heard it, sorry, still makes me laugh every time I hear it:

Three strings walk in to a bar. The first string walks up to the bar and orders a round of drinks, but the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." Dismayed, the first string heads back to his friends and relays the bad news. Undaunted, the second string walks up to the bar and, again, orders a round of drinks. Again, the bartender informs him that the establishment does not serve strings. The second string walks back to his friends and suggests that they leave. Frustrated and determined, the third string immediately twists about himself and proceeds to seperate his ends, then walks up to the bar and orders a round of drinks. The bartender looks at him and says "Listen, I told both of your friends that we don't serve strings here, now, if you guys don't leave, I'm calling the cops." The third string looked at the bartender with a steely gaze and replied, " I'm afraid not....."
 
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2 books - same story

2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a Bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
 
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Men are from Mars... whatever

Women and their friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

And then there is Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 
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NJ-Buckeye said:
Women and their friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

And then there is Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit "
 
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NJ-Buckeye said:
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit "
Click to expand...

:lol: OWNED
 
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today, from Italy." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he snarled. The wife handed it to him and watched as he read the card, turned white and passed out cold on the floor! The wife picked up the card and read--- "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without "
 
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Out on the golf course with his wife,

The husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...

And all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"
 
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Walking into the bar, BinMich said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a drink, I just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," BinMich replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".<o></o>
 
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