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Best Jokes

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Halloween Joke

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
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Minnesota fire department

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company made up mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian oldtimers frantically jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on tape, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Olson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
 
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MililaniBuckeye said:
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company made up mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian oldtimers frantically jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on tape, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Olson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Click to expand...

dat's some funny shit right dere, eh! :lol:
 
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Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth


Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh0res I
couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Bl0wing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F0ck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cuum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p0rn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the ta1nt of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand j0b in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who f1nger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad
 
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Story of a five year old that will touch your heart

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house with a vacant lot next door. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a "pay" envelop containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay-check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheetrock..."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
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Subject: Detroit Lions


>
> The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
> only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
> colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
> a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
>
> Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
> Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
> Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
> straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
> yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
>
> "I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
> arm!"
>
> So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
> game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super
> Bowl.
>
> The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
> him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
>
> "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
>
> "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
> us. You are not my son!"
>
> "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the
> greatest sporting event in the world!"
>
> "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are
> gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
> brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
> to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
>
> The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for
> making us move to Detroit!"
>

" And that's a first down."
 
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This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!! An actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.

You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this picture to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.




















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More BloodNinja:

Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh s**t, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only f**k women...
J-Dogg: S**it just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dips**t.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.





I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F.: a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17: ?
I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17: huh?
I.F.: Bears get f**kin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now
I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17: what the f**k?
I.F.:uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.
 
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"Having Sex Is Like..."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women, chief amonst which is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation. The other 8 are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor ......)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in mens' magazines because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
 
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Bird Flu Symptoms

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

:oh: :io:
 
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A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and
slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a
sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment,
then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what
the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a
few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
 
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