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Best Jokes

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>HER DIARY...
>
>Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
>bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
>thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
>comment.
>Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
>we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what
>was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was
>upset.
>He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
>
>On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
>driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I
>love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
>wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
>He seemed distant and absent.
>
>Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
>bed,and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
>I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
>else.
>He fell asleep
>- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
>are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
>
>HIS DIARY
>
>Today, Ohio State lost, but at least I had sex.
>
 
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.

He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
 
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<a href="http://img172.imageshack.us/my.php?image=terroralert4fg.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/2050/terroralert4fg.th.jpg" border="0" alt="Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us" /></a>
 
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Great Golf Book is Out - "Useful Golf Advice"

Here's some of the Chapters:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee
 
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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young New England Patriots Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Patriots fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in the Northeast, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little New York Giants Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Giants fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New England was either for the Patriots or Giants. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Carolina Panters fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
 
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Hope this isn't a repost......


bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
bloodninja: How did you know?
bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the f**k?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k
 
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Didn't see this one either.

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City><st1:place>ur</st1:place></st1:City> hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning <st1:City><st1:place>ur</st1:place></st1:City> shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, <st1:City><st1:place>ur</st1:place></st1:City> not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
 
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"I am a Father!"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many.
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father
of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar!!!
 
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement". "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale".
 
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A first grade teacher was trying to describe to her class what the word "definitely" meant. She asked if any of the children could use the word in a sentence.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher replied, "That's close, but the sky isn't blue when it's cloudy or at night. Does anyone else want to try?"
A boy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definitely green."
The teacher replied, "But in the winter the grass stops growing and turns brown. Can anyone else give me an example?"
Another boy raised he hand and asked, "Are there ever chunks when you fart?"
The teacher replied, "No".
The boy looked up at her and said, "Well then I definitely just shit my pants."
 
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