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Best Jokes

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A man is shopping in his local grocery store when he a sees an attractive woman shyly waving at him from down the aisle. He smiles and approaches her, for she looks somewhat familiar.
"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" the man asks.
"Well, I'm pretty sure you are the father of one of my kids" the lady replies. Immediately the man begins to sweat, thinking frantically of any past encounters that may have resulted in a child.
"B-b-but," the man says,"the only time I was ever unfaithful was the night of my bachelor party. Are you the stripper that I had sex with in the bathroom, where I shoved the carrot in your ass before you ass-banged me with your strap-on dildo?"
"No" the horrified woman replies,"your son is in my math class."
 
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physio therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
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I usually don't read jokes that get sent to me but I really liked this one.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
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My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
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One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
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Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
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I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
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Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
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Moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
 
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scarletngrey77 said:
bloodninja made me laugh so hard I was crying, if anyone can find more of these then please post them, ill give greenies.
Click to expand...


Heh, I was a member at the board that Bloodninja stuff originally came from (I am old skewl on teh intranet).
He was a member there at the time and posted all of that.
The thread had thousands of views, crashed the site and they had to take it down, was some funny times.
 
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strohs said:
Heh, I was a member at the board that Bloodninja stuff originally came from (I am old skewl on teh intranet).
He was a member there at the time and posted all of that.
The thread had thousands of views, crashed the site and they had to take it down, was some funny times.
Click to expand...

I was laughing so hard by the time I was done my face felt weird not laughing. Thats some really funny shit wow...
 
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Q-what do 2 chicks in a sleeping and TVland on Nickelodeon have in common?

A-Back to back Beaver


Q-What is the difference between Phil Fulmer and Jabba the Hutt?

A-One is a distugustingly obese bag of goo, w/ goggly eyes and absolutely no scruples or ethics, while the other lives in a palace on Tatooine
 
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A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

 The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
"Shit, me too. I didn't know we got a choice".
 
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Fifi my ass

The train was quite crowded. A U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
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