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Best Jokes

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Three Midgets Walk Into a Bar...

The 3 little fellows are having a beer and one just can't seem to pick his beer up.

"Damn these small hands of mine, I swear I have the smallest hands in the world!" says the first.

"Oh, yeah....look at my feet" as he throws his little leg up on the bar, "I have the smallest feet in the world!" says the second.

Well, the 3rd midget says sheepishly, "I bet I have the smallest penis in the world!" revealed the third.

The bartender eventually gets annoyed and says, "Enough is enough! Tomorrow you all go down to the Guinness Book of World Records and find out where each of you stands!"

They all do. The first midget returns to the bar with a trophy "Smallest Hands in the World" and a check for $5,000.

The second returns to the bar with a trophy "Smallest Feet in the World" and a check for $5,000.

The third returns in a terrible mood, stomps into the bad and hollers, "Who in the hell is Tibor?"
huh.gif
 
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0 to 200 in 4 seconds

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.
 
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a man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the t.v., and says to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."she's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.
the guy chugs the beer and says, "quick, bring me another cold one. its about to start." his wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.
"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.
"THATS IT!!" his wife screams, "I cook and clean, and wash and iron all day long. then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! if you think thats how it works, youve got another thing coming!"
"Damn, mutters the husband, it started."
 
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Cemetery Fence

On the outskirts of a small Georgia town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Meanwhile, several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed the cemetery, he thought he heard voices from inside. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the cemetery fence, they listened intently. Then, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you're tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. Straining, the old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now lets go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say, the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!
 
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Just got this one today - hope it isn't a dupe -

It's late in the OSU-Michigan game on an overcast day.

Michigan has the ball on the OSU 3, with 2 seconds left, and down 14-10. There's time for just one more play. Lloyd Carr calls timeout.

As the team is coming to the sideline, Lloyd looks to the heavens and says, "God - I've been a good man. A churchgoing man. I've tried to do what's right and I've never asked you for anything. But, this is a big game, and if I could get a little guidance, I would be forever grateful".

The clouds part, sun shines on Lloyd and HE hears a voice bellow, "I Right 39 Pitch Trap". Lloyd can't believe it! God himself gave him the play! It'll work for sure.

The team comes to the sideline and Lloyd excitedly gives them the play. The timeout ends and the teams come back on the field. Lloyd can barely contain his excitement - he's going to WIN!!

Play resumes and the ball is snapped. The Michigan QB pitches to the back. For a split second, there's a hole - which is quickly filled by AJ Hawk, who tackles the Michigan back short of the goal line.

Time expires and Ohio State players storm the field to celebrate. Lloyd is in shock - he can't believe the play didn't work. Lloyd looks to the heavens and cries, "God - why did you have me call THAT play?"

God looks down, shrugs, turns to his right and says, "Woody - why DID we call that play?"
 
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Email forwards are the best

I just figured out why bras are necessary at he nursing home:

The nurse was walking down the corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around here not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn orderlies! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"
 
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Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dumb-bell, I said "Bring POSSE!"
 
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Corporate Study

After a two-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL

2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL

4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!


- to play? or to watch?
If to watch, then most of us are male front-line workers...I am.
 
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A Kentuckian and West Virginian came to Ohio to do some grocery shopping. The West Virginian walks into the store and tells the girl behind the counter, "I'd like some taters, some maters and some nanners." The girl behind the counter says "You're from West Virginia aren't you?" Surprised, the West Virginian asks "Well now how do you know that?" The girl replies "I can tell from your accent." The West Virginian gets his groceries and walks back out to the car where the Kentuckian is waiting, and tells the Kentuckian "You know, that girl in the store knew where I was from just from my accent." The Kentuckian wasn't impressed, and tells the West Virginian "Well, I'll walk into that other store over yonder and tell them that I want some taters, maters and nanners just like you did. They'll say I'm from West Virginia, and I'll tell them, ha, you stupid Buckeye, I'm from Kentucky." So the Kentuckian walks into the other store and tells the girl behind the counter "I'd like some taters, some maters and some nanners." The girl behind the counter looks at him and says "You're from Kentucky, aren't you." Dumbfounded, the Kentuckian asks "Just how did you know that?" The girl replies "Because this is a furniture store."
 
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