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Best Jokes

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Subject: Dick Chaney, a Mexican and an Iraqis were in a bar....

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says, "In Mexico Our glass is so cheap we don't need to
drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his
beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his
AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either.

Then Dick Chaney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his
beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice."
 
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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.


Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"​


"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper​
 
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A Texan, an Arab, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The
Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a swig, then
another and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots the bottle in mid air.
The Arab looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a
perfectly good bottle of whiskey! "The Texan says, "In Texas, there's
plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap,"

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Arab pulls out a bottle of
oil,throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The
guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that
for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Oil" The Arab says "In my
country there's plenty of oil and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He
opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He
then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns
around and shoots the Arab. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do
that?" The guy from Michigan says,"Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of
Arabs, but bottles are worth a dime."
 
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FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.​
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica]A lawyer married a woman who had divorced 8 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married 8 times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, tutored and seen video clips on how but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do... GOD I miss him!"

"But now that I married you, I am really excited!" "Good" said the new husband "but why?" "Because" said the new bride "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
[/FONT]​
 
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Two dogs are at the vets - a Dachshund and a German Shepard.

The Shepard asks the Dachshund why he is here and the Dachshund says "I am old and have lost control. I peed the carpet and they are having me put to sleep. How about you?"

The Shepard says "My master is an older lady. The other day she got out of the shower and dropped her towell. When she bent over I got this irrestiable urge and jumped her from behind."

"Oh my" says the Dachshund, "Is she putting you to sleep too?"

"No", says the Shepard, "Just getting my nails trimmed."
 
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Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California? California became a state.


The State had no electricity.


The State had no money.


Almost everyone spoke Spanish.


There were gun fights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like California today ... except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands - at least not in public.
 
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GRANDPA ON THE PORCH

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing
on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.


The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what
are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked
again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
 
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Blonde Joke

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year" .. !

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
[/FONT]
 
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A Florida state couple, both well into their 70s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
 The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
 The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
 This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything." "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 
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The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
 
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Solves all the USA problems

<big>Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans,
and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat! </big>
 
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A man stops in a brothel, checks his wallet, and says to the man behind the desk, "I've got a hundred bucks, and I'm horny as hell."

The man behind the desk calls to a back room, "Harry, grease up the blonde."

The customer looks in his wallet again, and says, "Y'know, I really should only spend $ 50."

"Harry, grease up the brunette."

"Actually, maybe I should only go for $ 25."

"Harry, grease up the red-head."

"Dammit, I need gas money, I can only go for $ 10."

"Harry, grease up."
 
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Subject: Gotta love those seniors

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen
sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty
as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well,
doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and
she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar
open".
 
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Cowbay and Indian

While out riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How’s he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty well, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep big liar."
 
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