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Best Jokes

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Grandma's You Gotta Love 'Em!!!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:

"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.
All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

~God Bless America~
 
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided
to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped in my pants.

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Huntsville, AL, Wal-Mart.
 
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Jokes about Old People:

CARS

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."A few minutes later, the officer radios in"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?""No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."! And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back ! to sleep .A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."Angrily , he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed."Where are you going?" she asked."To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have fun with me tonight!!"An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time .but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
 
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Man Code

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits. Forever.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
scale.

7. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.

9. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy
is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

10. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

11. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

14. A man must never own just a cat. A dog and a cat, marginally
acceptable. But never just a cat.

15. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him... too gay.
 
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
 
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A young man moves into a new apartment on his own and goes to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes dressed in a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it became obvious that she was wearing nothing else.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".
He followed her into the apartment and she closed the door and leaned against it allowing the robe to fall off.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my outstanding feature?"
Embarrassed, he finally squeaked. "It has to be your ears".
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears???

Look at these boobs, full and firm and 100% natural. I work out every day. My butt is firm and solid.

Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that my best feature is my ears???"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me".
 
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I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you round eyes too." :biggrin: <--- (Appropriate emoticon)
 
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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
 
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
 
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Ireland Declares War On France?
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

 Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

 Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

 Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"


"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".
 
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

 The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses,
he pensively asked, "Is that one word or two?"
 
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