Best Jokes

[ScriptOhio]

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.



Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[ScriptOhio]

The 7 Dwarfs Go To Meet The Pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him!" chant the other 6 dwarves.

So Dopey goes up to the Pope and says "Please Sir, are there NUNS in Alaska?"

"Yes my son, there are." says the Pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" urge the other 6 again.

"OK" says Dopey "and Sir, are there BLACK nuns in Alaska?"

"Yes, I believe there are." said the pope.

"GO ON Dopey, ask him..."

Dopey blushes and says "Sir, are there MIDGET black nuns in Alaska?"

"No, I don't think so." says the Pope.

The other 6 dwarfs leap up and shout:
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"Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

[ScriptOhio]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

 

[ScriptOhio]

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible..."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So,there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should h ave dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

 

[ScriptOhio]

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides
it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and
splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves
the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So
after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up
and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you
let the bartender do it?'
.
.
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'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

 

[ScriptOhio]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[ScriptOhio]

Indian Names

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".



The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .


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NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

 

[ScriptOhio]

Big People Words

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
?You need to use 'Big People' words?,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana.?
?No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use Big People' words!?
She then asked Michelle what she had done ?I went for a ride on a choo-choo? she said.
?No, you went for a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.?
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
?I read a book? he replied.
?That's WONDERFUL!? the teacher said.
?What book did you read?? Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
?Winnie the [censored].?

 

[FCollinsBuckeye]

"Go on Dopey, ask him!" chant the other 6 dwarves.

So Dopey goes up to the Pope and says "Please Sir, are there NUNS in Alaska?"

"Yes my son, there are." says the Pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" urge the other 6 again.

"OK" says Dopey "and Sir, are there BLACK nuns in Alaska?"

"Yes, I believe there are." said the pope.

"GO ON Dopey, ask him..."

Dopey blushes and says "Sir, are there MIDGET black nuns in Alaska?"

"No, I don't think so." says the Pope.

The other 6 dwarfs leap up and shout:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Imagine the surprised looks when the Pope leaned over and whispered to Dopey:

"My son, there are no penguins in Alaska - what exactly *did* you shag?"

:p

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Sunburn Treatment

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

 

[ScriptOhio]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'



He winked and replied,
.
"Hickory dickory dock"....

 

[LitlBuck]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Tasty Tourist: $5

Broiled Missionary: $7

Fried Explorer: $9

Pecan-encrusted CPA: $11

Engineer under Glass: $12

Freshly Baked Republicans and Democrats: $250

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Blokes' Rules of Life

1. On a road trip, the strongest bladder, not the weakest, determines the pit stops.

2. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden, but complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

3. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she is officially your girlfriend.

4. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free!

5. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

6. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

[ScriptOhio]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her
ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

 

[ScriptOhio]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds, "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"