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Best Jokes

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FCollinsBuckeye;1668571; said:
Oh, it's supposed to be a US Border Patrol Patch.

I guess the subtext is that illegal immigrants are filling our emergency rooms and laundromats, getting drivers licenses and working at McDonalds.
Click to expand...

...

Fungo Squiggly;1668511; said:
The joke might be funnier if you included a picture of the patch.
Click to expand...

JCOSU86;1668564; said:
Doubt it.
Click to expand...

I stand corrected.
 
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. ​
​
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. ​
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. ​
​
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. ​
​
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? ​
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. ​
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. ​
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . ​
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. ​
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
​
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, ​
Wrinkled, FAT Assed ,Gray haired, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

​
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? ​
 
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[FONT=&quot]A[FONT=&quot] cowboy, who just moved to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Wyoming[/FONT][FONT=&quot] from[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Texas,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He [/FONT][FONT=&quot]sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The [/FONT][FONT=&quot]bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] It[/FONT][FONT=&quot] would taste better if you bought one at a time."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers; one is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] same way; he orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]One[/FONT][FONT=&quot] day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back[/FONT][FONT=&quot] to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I[/FONT][FONT=&quot] don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to[/FONT][FONT=&quot] offer my condolences on your loss." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The[/FONT][FONT=&quot] cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns [/FONT][FONT=&quot]in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]no, everybody's just fine," he explains,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "It's just that my wife and I joined the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Baptist[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Church[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and I had to quit drinking.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hasn't [/FONT][FONT=&quot]affected my brothers though."[/FONT][/FONT]
 
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Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." Addressing Tom he said, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
 
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Pinocchio

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, decided to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?" replied Pinocchio.
 
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Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with 1 hand?
She has to moan with the other hand.

What do Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for being bad?
A1: Rearrange the furniture.
A2: They put the plunger in the toilet.

If a Helen Keller falls in the woods, does she make a sound?

Why does Hellen Keller wear tight pants?
So you can read her lips.
 
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She was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast.
Her husband walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and anxiously says, "Quick! You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

Thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. When they finish, he asks, "What was that all about?"

"The egg timer is broken," she replied.
 
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Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town.

They hit the clubs until closing, but to re-enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't this make you feel like a Marine?" she asked.

"Sure does," the other grunted, "but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"
 
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A few science questions with answers as students wrote them.

A few science questions with answers as students wrote them.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
 
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