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Best Jokes

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
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[FONT=&quot]Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em..'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' [/FONT]
 
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Demographics Of American Newspapers

[FONT=&quot] 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Detroit Free Press is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it. [/FONT]
 
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UNIVERSAL LAWS

1.[FONT=&quot] Law of Mechanical Repair - [/FONT][FONT=&quot]After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.[/FONT]
2. [FONT=&quot]Law of Gravity [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.[/FONT]
3. [FONT=&quot]Law of Probability [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act[/FONT]
4. [FONT=&quot]Law of Random Numbers [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.[/FONT]
5. [FONT=&quot]Law of the Alibi [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.[/FONT]
6. [FONT=&quot]Variation Law [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).[/FONT]
7. [FONT=&quot]Law of the Bath [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.[/FONT]
8. [FONT=&quot]Law of Close Encounters [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.[/FONT]
9. [FONT=&quot]Law of the Result [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.[/FONT]
10. [FONT=&quot]Law of Bio mechanics - [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.[/FONT]
11. [FONT=&quot]Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.[/FONT]
12. [FONT=&quot]The Coffee Law [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.[/FONT]
13. [FONT=&quot]Murphy's Law of Lockers [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.[/FONT]
14. [FONT=&quot]Law of Physical Surfaces [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.[/FONT]
15. [FONT=&quot]Law of Logical Argument [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.[/FONT]
16. [FONT=&quot]Brown's Law of Physical Appearance [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If the clothes fit, they're ugly.[/FONT]
17. [FONT=&quot]Oliver's Law of Public Speaking [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]A closed mouth gathers no feet.[/FONT]
18. [FONT=&quot]Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.[/FONT]
19. [FONT=&quot]Doctors' Law [/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.[/FONT]
 
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
 
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
 
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A gentleman is on a tour of Spain and visits a restaurant that his friends have strongly recommended.

While perusing the menu a waitress walks by with a plate of pasta and two very large and unusual looking meatballs. He stops her and asks what it is.

The waitress tells him that they are next door to the bull ring. When the bull is killed they castrate it and serve the testicles on pasta. She tells him that it is very expensive and that they are the only restaurant in the world that serves this dish.

Intrigued, he decides that he must give it a try regardless of cost.

Two hours go by as he patiently waits for this delicacy. Finally, the waitress appears with a plate of pasta - and two scrawny looking meatballs.

"What is this?" he exclaims. "This is not at all like the other dish!"

"I am very sorry senor", the waitress replies, "But you must understand. Sometimes the bull - he wins."
 
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The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E..R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

download


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

 
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Best Buckeye;1668416; said:
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E..R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

download


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
Click to expand...

The joke might be funnier if you included a picture of the patch.
 
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