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Best Jokes

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[FONT=&quot]A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.
I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "What the hell! Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. he can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."[/FONT]
 
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3 Hallmark Cards

1. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat,
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

2. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find the father of the boy?

3. So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day;
Look on the bright side,
It's really good pay!
 
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The Ideal Woman

George turned to his 40-year-old buddy on the next bar stool and asked, "John, Why haven't you married yet?"

"I guess I still haven't found the right woman," replied John.

"So what would she be like?" asked George.

"Well, George, she'd have to be real pretty, great at sex, a good cook and housekeeper, know how to handle money, with a pleasant personality, oh, and have money, too. And, a nice house would help," said John.

George grimaced. "A woman like that would be crazy to marry you."

"Oh, I don't care if she's crazy."



Well, duh! :2004:
 
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THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look
at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly..

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
 
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Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle
 
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Senior Sex

An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date. They watched "The Sound of Music" on tape in the home's rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home's cafeteria. After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.

After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, "If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle."

She laid back and thought, "If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
 
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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."



I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"


My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
 
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Huge NASCAR News

Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
 
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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away,Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?''Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.
 
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Technology Breakthrough

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
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[FONT=&quot]A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You just can't fix stupid [/FONT]
 
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If you're Italian.. you really understand this one

Italian Mother: 'Hello?'
Daughter: 'Hi MA. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?'
Italian Mother: 'You're going out?'
Daughter: 'Yes.'
Italian Mother: 'With whom?'
Daughter: 'With a friend.'
Italian Mother: 'I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.'
Daughter: 'MA, I didn't leave him. He left me!'
Italian Mother: 'You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.'
Daughter: 'MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?'
Italian Mother: 'I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.'
Daughter: 'There are lots of things that you did and I don't.'
Italian Mother: 'What are you hinting at?'
Daughter: 'Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight..'
Italian Mother: 'You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?'
Daughter: 'MA its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone !'
Italian Mother: 'So you're e going to sleep over at this loser's place?'
Daughter: 'MA, He's not a loser.'
Italian Mother: 'A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.'
Daughter: 'MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?'
Italian Mother: 'Poor children with such a mother.'
Daughter: 'Such a what?'
Italian Mother: 'With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.'
Daughter: 'ENOUGH MA!!!'
Italian Mother: 'Don't scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!'
Daughter: 'Great MA, Now you're worried about the loser?'
Italian Mother: 'Ah, so you see he is a loser, I spotted him immediately.'
Daughter: 'Good-bye, mother.'
Italian Mother: 'Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?'
Daughter: 'I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!'
Italian Mother: 'If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
 
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