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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Did
you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
PENGUINS
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until
the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until
the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze
a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?
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I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge great dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge great dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted
to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, "D'you want me to thuffocate"?
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Jake
Once a Buckeye, always a Buckeye
‘17 The Deuce Champ
Fantasy Baseball Champ
'18 The Deuce Champ
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher says "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher asks "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher says "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher then asks "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher says "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher asks "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher says "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and asks "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Teacher says "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher asks "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher says "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher then asks "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher says "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher asks "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher says "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and asks "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Historically Accepted Uses
Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Bomb
There are only ten times in history when the word "fuck" has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
1. "What the fuck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
2. "What the fuck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.
3. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.
4. "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.
5. "It does so fucking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.
7. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.
8. "Where the fuck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.
9. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.
10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.
The site I copied this from missed one: "Fuck Michigan!"
Coincidentally, that is also the only sociably acceptable sentence to use the word M*ch*g*n in too.
Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Bomb
There are only ten times in history when the word "fuck" has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
1. "What the fuck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
2. "What the fuck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.
3. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.
4. "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.
5. "It does so fucking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.
7. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.
8. "Where the fuck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.
9. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.
10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.
The site I copied this from missed one: "Fuck Michigan!"
Coincidentally, that is also the only sociably acceptable sentence to use the word M*ch*g*n in too.
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"When I were a
lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd
come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three
pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can't do that now.
lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd
come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three
pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can't do that now.
Too many damm
security cameras."
security cameras."
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Subject: A Bit of History
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta
Be shi tin' Me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through
the Fatherof Our Country way back when, George Washington
was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's
boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and
the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
[remember this name]
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a
lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so
they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold,
continued swinging the lantern back and forth,
back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware .
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an
hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been
one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed
on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He
rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,
I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a
huge house. What they didn't know, was that this
was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve
all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men
crowding around him. The door swung open, and
much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many
men standing there. Washington was the first to speak,
"Madam, I am General George Washington and these
are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately
need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing
there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you
have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and
comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us
without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be [censored]tin' me"
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta
Be shi tin' Me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through
the Fatherof Our Country way back when, George Washington
was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's
boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and
the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
[remember this name]
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a
lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so
they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold,
continued swinging the lantern back and forth,
back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware .
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an
hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been
one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed
on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He
rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,
I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a
huge house. What they didn't know, was that this
was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve
all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men
crowding around him. The door swung open, and
much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many
men standing there. Washington was the first to speak,
"Madam, I am General George Washington and these
are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately
need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing
there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you
have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and
comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us
without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be [censored]tin' me"
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I have no doubt that what you say is true, but equally as true is the fact that his wife can beat him with an iron.racerbuck;1611265; said:
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DGADBTWSOM
Hall of Fame
Old Jews Telling Jokes.
Good Stuff...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV2uqhI-Q80]YouTube - Diane Hoffman, Broccoli[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-OoH3yc7dk]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes Health Care[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82u98PMPxoc]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes - Paratrooper Training[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj4qQO1NlDc]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes Prize Bull[/ame]
Good Stuff...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV2uqhI-Q80]YouTube - Diane Hoffman, Broccoli[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-OoH3yc7dk]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes Health Care[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82u98PMPxoc]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes - Paratrooper Training[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj4qQO1NlDc]YouTube - Old Jews Telling Jokes Prize Bull[/ame]
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Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was
"Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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DGADBTWSOM
Hall of Fame
What did the Snowman say to the other snowman?
-smells like carrots.
-smells like carrots.
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DGADBTWSOM
Hall of Fame
There are 10 types of people in the world:
1. Those who know binary
10. and those who don't.
1. Those who know binary
10. and those who don't.
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