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Best Jokes

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Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again...... Lemme see....
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..."
 
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The Hair of the Dog

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week".
 
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At Last! A Worthy Pyramid Scheme

Read the instructions carefully, then simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates/friends.

Instructions

1. Anesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
-- 0.5 Miss Worlds,
-- 2.5 models,
-- 463 wild nymphos,
-- 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
-- 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
-- and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old hag you posted off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends!
 
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Wish this was actually REAL

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports :

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be no argument about racial profiling . This method would also eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number.......... "
 
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a
Blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
She was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
Long and include at least one capital.
 
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Another who's better, guys vs. gals

A French teacher was explaining to her college class that French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House", for example, is feminine: "la maison". "Pencil" is masculine: "le crayon".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and
asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine noun or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be the feminine gender ("la computer") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 
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The Restaurant

The Restaurant

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and
the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
 
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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelery dept where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
 
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A husband shopped at Victoria's Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheerer, the pricier!
Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.
She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. "This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don't put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself."
So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.
Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, "Dammit! For $500, shouldn't they at least iron it?!"
 
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A little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brains are also important.
 
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Realizing he was lost, a balloonist dropped down to ask directions.
?Excuse me, but I?m a little off course? he shouted, ?I promised to meet a friend an hour ago. I don?t know where I am.?

A woman hollered back, ?You?re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You?re at exactly 40 degrees, 22 minutes, and 21 seconds, North latitude and 70 degrees, 30 minutes, and 33 seconds West longitude.

?Amazing,? the balloonist replied. ?You must be an engineer.?

?I am. How did you know??

?Well,? answered the balloonist, ?everything you told me is technically correct, but I can?t use your information. I?m still lost, and you haven?t been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my trip.?

The woman thought for a moment, then replied, ?You must be in management.?

?I am. How did you know??

?Well, you don?t know where you?re going. You?ve risen to your position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. In fact,? she proceeded, ?you?re in exactly the same position you were before we met. But somehow, it?s now my fault.?
 
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MaxBuck;1707008; said:
Realizing he was lost, a balloonist dropped down to ask directions.
?Excuse me, but I?m a little off course? he shouted, ?I promised to meet a friend an hour ago. I don?t know where I am.?

A woman hollered back, ?You?re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You?re at exactly 40 degrees, 22 minutes, and 21 seconds, North latitude and 70 degrees, 30 minutes, and 33 seconds West longitude.

?Amazing,? the balloonist replied. ?You must be an engineer.?

?I am. How did you know??

?Well,? answered the balloonist, ?everything you told me is technically correct, but I can?t use your information. I?m still lost, and you haven?t been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my trip.?

The woman thought for a moment, then replied, ?You must be in management.?

?I am. How did you know??

?Well, you don?t know where you?re going. You?ve risen to your position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. In fact,? she proceeded, ?you?re in exactly the same position you were before we met. But somehow, it?s now my fault.?
Click to expand...
I've heard it before, but guess it is a little bit funnier substituting question marks for apostrophes. :wink:
 
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The Good Samaritan

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can thin of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testorone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."

"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me'!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.

"Just a couple of minutes ago," the man replied.
 
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