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Best Jokes

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BERTIE THE BEE

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. At that very moment, a bee
flew in through his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man answered.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
A few minutes later, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up..
'Wow!' the man exclaimed. 'What did you put in my gas tank'?


The bee answered,
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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta all eez, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "Ima go picka her up."
 
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I'd just come out of a supermarket with a bucket of fried chicken, French fries, ice cream, large chips, and a 12-pack of beer.


A poor homeless man sat there and said: 'I've not eaten for two days.'


I told him: 'I wish I had your will power.'
 
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UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)



A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Phsyciatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
 
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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to
give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad,
it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
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Medical Terminology

I told my doctor that I wasn't able to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

When the examination was complete, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," I said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
 
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There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from
Tallahassee to Gainesville.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions.
The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"
Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship."
The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"
The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
up."
 
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bigbluebazooka;1732980; said:
There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from
Tallahassee to Gainesville.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions.
The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"
Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship."
The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"
The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
up."
Click to expand...

I liked this joke more when the Gator fan was from Michigan, and the Nole was an OSU fan :wink2:
 
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A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.
A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.
After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up.
"I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?"
"Yeah," said his patient.
"Well," the doctor said, "it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"
 
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bigbluebazooka;1732980; said:
There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from
Tallahassee to Gainesville.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions.
The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"
Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship."
The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"
The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show
up."
Click to expand...
A Nole grad with enough money for a car AND a bottle of Jack?

I call bulllshit!
 
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