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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet., and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting me and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet., and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting me and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
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An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in Aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in Aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."
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Passport Letter
This letter is a thing of beauty.. You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...
....
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die !!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really [censored]ed off this morning. Between you and me,
I've had enough of this bull[censored]! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally [censored]ed off!
Signed - An Irate Citizen.
P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who I Am.
And you want to run our health care system?!?
This letter is a thing of beauty.. You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...
....
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die !!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really [censored]ed off this morning. Between you and me,
I've had enough of this bull[censored]! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally [censored]ed off!
Signed - An Irate Citizen.
P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who I Am.
And you want to run our health care system?!?
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OCBuckWife
I am the evil monkey in your closet
"Three baby seals walk into a club..." I can't remember the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Well, an attempt at a joke. it should probably have gone into the political humor thread.JCOSU86;1718738; said:
Actually a poor joke, but still....
'course you may take it as fact (because it pretty much is anymore), your choice. - which means more than ever it should have gone into the political humor thread.
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Are you guys just not getting laid? is that why you have to analyze a post in a jokes thread intended to do no more than amuse you... :highfive:
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Blond vs. Irishman
On their honeymoon, the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Irish Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well , that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
"Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
On their honeymoon, the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Irish Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well , that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
"Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
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Ttown
WTH is an Illini? Dead goose?
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Lines The Perfect Wife Would Say
1. Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored; let's shave my pussy.
4. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, a few joints, and invite Tammy over for a threesome.
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna scream.
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. No, I'd rather stay here and watch football and drink beer than go shopping.
9. Go ahead and drink all you want; I'll drive home.
10. Want to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Want to go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. If you need me, I'll be outside shoveling snow; you stay in here and watch the game.
1. Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored; let's shave my pussy.
4. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, a few joints, and invite Tammy over for a threesome.
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna scream.
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. No, I'd rather stay here and watch football and drink beer than go shopping.
9. Go ahead and drink all you want; I'll drive home.
10. Want to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Want to go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. If you need me, I'll be outside shoveling snow; you stay in here and watch the game.
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Crazed Boiler
Junior
Two cowboys are riding across the prairie and they come across an Indian lying down with his ear on the ground. They get off their horses and ask him what he's doing. He says,"Two wagons, 4 horses, 2 men, 2 women, 1 small child, 1 cow, 2 goats, and one large brown dog." They say, "Wow, you can tell all of that by liste...ning to the ground?!" He says,"No, they ran over me half an hour ago."
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Crazed Boiler
Junior
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa?
Prom night.
Prom night.
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