• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?


When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
 
Upvote 0
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip, or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer. I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
Upvote 0
It's a frickin' elephant....

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...







" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

african-elephant2.jpg
 
Upvote 0
Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear. Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough
housekeeping money to afford any," she replied The Englishman
immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no
undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why
not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well,
fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit."

:biggrin:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Upvote 0
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
Upvote 0
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for awhile. The thought of going thru life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible, can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ass."
 
Upvote 0
British Humor

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Upvote 0
A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Allen! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to Allen, a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
 
Upvote 0
Amish elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the
small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your Mother'
 
Upvote 0
You have to love the Irish

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.

As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me,
Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
​
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina
 
Upvote 0
Not hilarious, but a true story...

In my hotel in France, in the elevator was a courtesy sign in several languages. I only show the French and English here, saying:

"S'il vous pla?t laissez vos objets de valeur ? la r?ception."

"Please leave your values at the front desk."

How little they know me, or they would have known that was standard operating procedure, no sign necessary.
 
Upvote 0
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can
order six? That's right.

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
 
Upvote 0
Best Buckeye;1747318; said:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can
order six? That's right.

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
Click to expand...
You probably wouldn't have been able to get a dozen either. :biggrin:
 
Upvote 0
Scare At Cleveland Browns Stadium

Training at the NFL's Cleveland Browns Stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground. Anthrax or just cocaine?
Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank!
Training was immediately suspended, while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, Cleveland Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.
Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top