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Best Jokes

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Grandmas don't know everything..

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sex.It's called Bunk Beds.
[FONT=&quot]And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'[/FONT]
 
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Too Good To Resist

A man was walking down the street in Venice, California, when he suddenly sees a beautiful woman walking in his direction wearing a very short skirt. He approaches her and says, "Omigod, you're so beautiful and so hot in that outfit, I just have to have you!!! With this kind of look I've got to have you. No matter what, I've just got to have you now!"

"What!? In the middle of the street!?" the surprised woman asked.

"Yes," the man replied. "You are just too good to resist, but don't say anything until you hear my offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?"

The woman is about to slap his face but she realizes the $500 he offered would come in handy. Unsure whether to slap him or accept his offer, she gets her cell phone out and calls her best friend for advice.

After listening to her describe the offer, the friend said, "It's not a big problem - it will take him a little while to get his willy out and while he's doing that, just pick up the $500 and run like hell."

The woman thinks this is too good to resist and tells the man she accepts his offer.

The next day the same friend sees the woman walking gingerly toward her as if she had lept on a horse and landed on the saddle horn. "My god," she exclaimed, "what happened to you!?"

"That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 on the street in $1 bills," she replied.
 
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If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Q. My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A. I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A. Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him ... and then cook him a delicious meal.
 
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A husband and wife were playing golf on vacation. On the second hole, the husband says, "I've got a confession to make - I had an affair, once, after we were married." The wife says, "no matter, it was a long time ago."

After a few holes, she says to him, "I've got a confession also....before we were married, I was a man."

He starts to walk off the green, turns and yells, "and you've been playing from the women's tees for all these years!?"

:gobucks3::gobucks4::banger:
 
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Dracula!

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car hissing at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Show him your cross!"
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window, sticks her head out and shouts, "Get the Fuck! off the car!"
 
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Exercise For Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy, so we're passing it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, then hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then 50 lb. potato sacks and, eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.
 
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker
claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck
a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently
used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers
were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
 
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A man reaches for his cell phone, and before realizing that he has swerved into oncoming traffic, he is standing at the pearly gates.

St. Peter ushers the man in and begins showing him around. Before long an old man rushes up to the new arrival and throws his arms around him. The new arrival is perplexed, not recognizing the other man. St. Peter explains that it is none other that the man's only son.

"But my son was only 6 when I died and I've only been here a few minutes?!"

"I've been trying to explain" begins St. Peter, "time has no meaning here. Not as you knew it anyway."

After a long reunion with his son, the man resumes the tour with St. Peter. Before long, they come across another old man, this one with a long white beard and wearing a #15 Florida jersey.

"I see Tim Tebow is already here too. It's going to take me awhile to get used to this."

St. Peter replied, as if saying it for the millionth time, "Oh, that's not Tim Tebow; that's God. He just thinks he's Tim Tebow."
 
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The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding
night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin!'

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be
possible if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he just
kept telling me how great it was going to be.'

'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
really sure how it was supposed to function; but he
said he'd look into it and get back with me.'

'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that
everything checked out diagnostically but he just
couldn't get the system up.'

'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he
knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would
be able to deliver.'

'Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
process but he wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state of the-art method.'

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.'

'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.'

'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.'

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.'

'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
God I miss him!'

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!'

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'

To which she replied, 'Because you're with the 'GOVERNMENT ...
and this time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!'

:biggrin:
 
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Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion
sense.' He walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
 
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Do not lose your grandkids in the mall.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Dewar's Scotch and women with BIG BREASTS"

:biggrin:
 
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
 
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