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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
BrutusMaximus
I Heart Boobs
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
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BrutusMaximus
I Heart Boobs
Ok that is funny, I just got that pic emailed to me about 2 hours ago.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Talking on your cell phone while driving can cause an accident.
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An Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing just over a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death.
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished. The extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he drank the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was granted, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright. Please affix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
:gobucks3: :gobucks4: :scum4:
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished. The extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he drank the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was granted, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright. Please affix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
:gobucks3: :gobucks4: :scum4:
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I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman (blonde), who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked:
"How many is a brazilian?"
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked:
"How many is a brazilian?"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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CCI
Metal Rules
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he was trained in Alaska and he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and
gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a Jack Russell terrier.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the Jack Russell is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
**************************************************************************
Potentially vs Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million
Dollars... but Realistically,.... we're living with two whores and a queer.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he was trained in Alaska and he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and
gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a Jack Russell terrier.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the Jack Russell is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
**************************************************************************
Potentially vs Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million
Dollars... but Realistically,.... we're living with two whores and a queer.
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osustamm
One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
I've only been an Buckeye fan for an hour!!! :-)
As we are getting closer to kick-off, here is a
little something to help get you thru summer--
A Michigan family of football supporters head out
one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While
in the sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State
jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided
to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for
Christmas".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly
whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to
mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey
in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I
would like this jersey for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him
around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and
finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and
I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son
around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever
going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car
and heading towards home. The father turns to his
son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Buckeye fan for
an hour and I already hate you Michigan fans."
As we are getting closer to kick-off, here is a
little something to help get you thru summer--
A Michigan family of football supporters head out
one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While
in the sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State
jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided
to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for
Christmas".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly
whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to
mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey
in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I
would like this jersey for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him
around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and
finds his father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and
I would like this jersey for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son
around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever
going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car
and heading towards home. The father turns to his
son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Buckeye fan for
an hour and I already hate you Michigan fans."
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