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Best Jokes

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Hillbilly Dayvorces

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer says, "How can I help you?"
The farmer says, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer says, "Yep, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer says, "No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?
The farmer says, "Yep, I got a suit, I ware it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer says, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer says, No, I ain't got a Case, I got a John Deere.
The lawyer says, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer says, "Yep, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John
Deere."
The lawyer says, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer says, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
The lawyer says, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer says, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
 
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NOAH'S ARK




In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."




He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".





Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...but no ark.





"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"





"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.





Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.





Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!




When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.




Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.




I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.




To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.




So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."





Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.





Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?"





"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."


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Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It
seems that Sam is dying of cancer and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives
and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you
have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go
to
Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my
best
friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for
you."


And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights
later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of
white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."


"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam," says the voice.


"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."


"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"


"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"


"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
good
news and a little bad news."


"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.


"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet,
we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it
never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want,
and we never get tired!"


"Really?" says Moe. "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams!


But, what's the bad news?"


"You're pitching next Tuesday"
 
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A woman calls her boss in the morning and tells him that she is staying

home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma" she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today"


Subject: The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're wife is in it.

Bad: Your chldren are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex with a kinky teenager.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your father in law.

Good: The teacher thinks your daughter's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

 
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
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HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need
to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from
the toiled, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people
between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!


Sincerely:



The Dog
 
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Things to do if you lose internet access...

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get @ss groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.
 
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An Ohio State fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Michigan fan he saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious "M" on his shirt.


He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest.

He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw A Michigan fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him.

But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan." "That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."


 
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I thought about posting this in the golf stories thread but I don't think it really happened. :biggrin:

Jesus and Moses were out playing a round of golf when they came to the Par 3 15th hole. It was 204 yards, almost all carry over a large pond. Moses had the honors and he hit a really nice 5-wood to the back fringe. Jesus stepped up to address the ball and Moses saw he had an Iron in his hands. Moses laughed and said "There is no way you can carry the green with an Iron!" Jesus said "Have a little faith and let me hit my shot." Well, Jesus overswung and topped the ball into the drink. Moses didn't say anything and Jesus just walked off the tee and out over the water to get his ball. About then a two-some came driving down 16 fairway and saw him walking out to get his ball. One of them yelled, "Hey, who do you thing you are, Jesus Christ?" Moses heard them and yelled back, "No, he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"
 
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A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"





One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes 10 seconds and costs $10." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the store. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in about 2 weeks.

That night while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results. The computer ejects a printout:

1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They're not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
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A desperate plea for advice:

I am a sailor in the merchant marine. My parents live in Clintonville and one of my sisters, who lives in Columbus, is married to a guy who went to the University of Michigan.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in the Franklin County jail on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part-time working girl in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to be prostitutes it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
The questions is:-

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Wolverine?
 
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What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and caviar?

They both come on little white crackers.

Woman goes into a hardware store to pick up some home repair items. She spies an aluminum screen door, remembers that the one on the front door of her home is falling apart, so she grabs the door and marches toward the cashier. Cashier begins to ring up the items when he notices that there's something wrong with the latch so he asks, "Excuse me Ma'am, but would you like a screw for that door?"

She points to a shelf behind him and says, "No but I'll blow you for that toaster over there." brrrrr ching!
 
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Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
 
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