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Best Jokes

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A young man named Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of
the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's roommate
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
This only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between peter and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "i know what you must be
thinking, but i assure you, Simon & i are just roommates.

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?" "Well, i doubt it, but i'll e-mail her just to be sure,"
Said peter, so he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother, i'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my
house, i'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love
Peter

Several days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and i'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love
Mom.
 
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It's all about ASS

...
jpg.gif
 
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut cards...Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
 
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Two junior nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at
each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.


"Nice tits," says the man ............................ "Where do you want the blinds?"

//

A lawyer, on his way home from work in Ann Arbor, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Llloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."

The lawyer asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
 
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Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:
1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
 
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Why Athletes Can't Get Real Jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
------------------------------------------------------

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
------------------------------------------------------

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win... I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
------------------------------------------------------

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
------------------------------------------------------

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
------------------------------------------------------

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
------------------------------------------------------

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
------------------------------------------------------

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton"
------------------------------------------------------

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawk's left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
------------------------------------------------------

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
------------------------------------------------------

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
----------------------------------------------------

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
------------------------------------------------------

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a layer who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
------------------------------------------------------

Former Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
​
 
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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 6' tall, with long red hair, beautiful blue eyes, very long legs, nice big bust, and is wearing a short mini skirt and skin tight sweater. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 
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Being the field I work in, this is one of my fav's. Now you might think this as being "a joke". But let me tell you.......it's true.

Subject: Help Desk......

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
on my desk... Sorry...
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my omputer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it!
******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.

******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

&nbp; ******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

*****
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus prgram do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
*******

And then there is my personal favorite!!

Helpdesk: How mayI help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

Nudda one....


A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at Susie's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer... I love you!

And one of my favs of all time......

Subject: Beer Drinking Story
Recently, a routine police patrol officer was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Indian Trail , North Carolina. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity of trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car , which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as many of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
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A middle-aged man goes to his Dr for his annual check-up. the Dr is a good friend he has known for years.

The Dr leaves the room to run some tests, and when he returns, he looks like he has seen a ghost. "What is it?" says the patient.

Well, Bob, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. you only have about 18 hours to live. you won't see another sunrise."

"Oh, my god, Doc! How will I ever tell my wife?"

"Well, don't worry about it, Bob, I'll take care of that. Say, I know how much you love to play golf - why don't you get with your buddies and play one last round, then you and Sally can spend a nice evening together, before the end comes."
"Thanks, Doc, I really appreciate it. I'd better go straight home though."

So, Bob goes home to find his wife sobbing at the door - obviously the Dr had already called her.
She said "Why don't you go play 9 holes with your friends, and when you come back, I'll have our favorite meal ready for you, then we can watch a movie. then maybe snuggle and make love one last time before the end comes."

"Well, I've been thinking about his on the way home, and here's what i thought.
We can make love now, then I'll go out and play some golf with the guys, then when I come back we can make love again, and then you can fix me my favorite meal, then we can make love, then watch a movie, then make love all night until the end comes. What do you think?"

"Well, yeah, that 's easy for you to say - you don't have to get up in the morning!"
 
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Geezermania

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
<o ="">
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.<o ="">

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"<o ="">

"To the kitchen" he replies.<o ="">

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"<o ="">

"Sure."<o ="">

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.<o ="">

"No, I can remember it."<o ="">

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you 'll forget it."<o ="">

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."<o ="">

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.<o ="">

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.<o ="">

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.<o ="">

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
***********************
<o ="">
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"<o ="">

"Yep!"<o ="">

"Do I know her?"<o ="">

"Nope!"<o ="">

"This woman, is she good looking?"<o ="">

"Not really."<o ="">

"Is she a good cook?"<o ="">

"Naw, she can't cook too well."<o ="">

"Does she have lots of money?"<o ="">

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."<o ="">

"Well then, is she good in bed?"<o ="">

"I don't know."<o ="">

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"<o ="">

"Because she can still drive!"
***********************
<o ="">
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.<o ="">

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."<o ="">

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P. M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"<o ="">

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"<o ="">

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
***********************
<o ="">
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.<o ="">

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.<o ="">

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"<o ="">

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."<o ="">

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.<o ="">

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ' Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"
***********************
<o ="">
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***********************
<o ="">
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."<o ="">

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"<o ="">

"<st1:time minute="30" hour="12"><st1:time minute="30" hour="12">Twelve thirty</st1:time></st1:time> "<o =""></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o></o>

<o =""></o>
 
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A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
 
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BrutusMaximus said:
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
Click to expand...
LOL
 
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Junior and Bubba are sitting together on Bubba's front porch one night, and all of a sudden Junior suffers a heart attack and falls out of his chair. Bubba is frantic, and since he doesn't know what to do he grabs the phone and calls 911.

When the operator answers, he says "Man, you gotta help my friend. He just fell over and I reckon he had a heart attack!"

The 911 operator says "Ok sir, we'll take care of your friend, just callm down and give me some information. What street do you live on?"

Bubba says "I'm on Eucalytpus street." The operator asks, "Ok, can you spell that?"

After a long pause while Bubba tries to figure out how to spell 'Eucalyptus', he finally says to the operator, "How's about I drag him over to Oak street and you boys pick him up there?"
 
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