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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
scarletandgrey
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. <O:P></O:P>
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" <O:P></O:P>
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" <O:P></O:P>
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. <O:P></O:P>
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. <O:P></O:P>
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. <O:P></O:P>
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. <O:P></O:P>
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."<O:P></O:P>
<O:P></O:P>
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An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father berated her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club..(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
The girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!"
"Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl ! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club..(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
The girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!"
"Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl ! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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The Balcony
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle."
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
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AkronBuckeye
Banned
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Subject: St Patrick's Day Story...
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.
Murphy said, *Hang on, I have an idea.* He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, *Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!*
Murphy replied, *Don't worry, my friend -- just follow me.* He =
went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and =
two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said, *Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble =
we will be in? We haven't got any money!!*=20
Murphy replied with a smile, *Don*t worry, I have a plan, =
Cheers!*
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, *OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and
you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They gleefully continued this process, pub after pub after pub, =
getting more and more drunk, all for free
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, *Murphy, I don't think I can do
any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!*
Murphy said, *How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub!*
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Subject: St Patrick's Day Story...
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.
Murphy said, *Hang on, I have an idea.* He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, *Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!*
Murphy replied, *Don't worry, my friend -- just follow me.* He =
went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and =
two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said, *Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble =
we will be in? We haven't got any money!!*=20
Murphy replied with a smile, *Don*t worry, I have a plan, =
Cheers!*
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, *OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and
you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They gleefully continued this process, pub after pub after pub, =
getting more and more drunk, all for free
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, *Murphy, I don't think I can do
any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!*
Murphy said, *How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub!*
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Terry Tate
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_t...s_world_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_draft_day_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_ospn_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_vacation_3_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_s...raining_dsl.mov
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_streaker_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_t...s_world_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_draft_day_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_ospn_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_vacation_3_dsl.wmv
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_s...raining_dsl.mov
http://reebok.com.edgesuite.net/lastexit_streaker_dsl.wmv
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An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the
American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
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Greeks and Italians
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on and then the Greek Says, "We invented sex"
The Italian says, "Yes, that is true... but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on and then the Greek Says, "We invented sex"
The Italian says, "Yes, that is true... but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
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Need to have a curse removed
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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scooter1369
HTTR Forever.
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks to talk to the pharmacist. A young lady behind the counter tells him "I am the pharmacist."
He says "Can I talk to a guy then?"
She says "Its just me and my sister. We own the place. What can I do for you?
He says "Well its kinda personal."
She says "I'm a professional. Try me."
He proceeds to tell her that he has had an erection for 5 days now and it won't go away. He's tried everything. He asks "What can you give me for it?"
She says "Let me confer with my sister. I'll be right back." And she goes in the back room.
She comes out five miuntes later with her twin sister and says
"We can offer you $10,000 cash and 10% of the business."
He says "Can I talk to a guy then?"
She says "Its just me and my sister. We own the place. What can I do for you?
He says "Well its kinda personal."
She says "I'm a professional. Try me."
He proceeds to tell her that he has had an erection for 5 days now and it won't go away. He's tried everything. He asks "What can you give me for it?"
She says "Let me confer with my sister. I'll be right back." And she goes in the back room.
She comes out five miuntes later with her twin sister and says
"We can offer you $10,000 cash and 10% of the business."
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you everdone anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a tripto the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them toleave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached thelargest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on thehead, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw iton the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?""Just a couple minutes ago"!
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Drunk Again
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A bottle of booze in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and ass and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door...it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs...it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house...it could be your bloodshot eyes...but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A bottle of booze in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and ass and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door...it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs...it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house...it could be your bloodshot eyes...but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
There was once this woman. She married and had 7 children. Her husband died. She remarried and had 6 more children. Again, her second husband died. She remarried once more and had 5 children before her third husband died. Alas, after that she, herself, died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for the very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" To which her friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for the very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" To which her friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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